The Ugly Duckling

Once upon a time there was an unusual little duckling.  The duckling always found herself feeling like she never quite fit in.  She was a little bit smarter than these ducks.  She was a little bit odder than these other ducks.  She was a misfit, but she tried her best to pretend that she was just like everyone else.  No one really picked on her or excluded her, but it seemed to get harder and harder to keep up with.  As she grew, her little circle of ducks dwindled until it seemed that she was all alone.  Looking back, she realized that most of the ducks weren't all that nice to her, and she felt even more alone thinking that the few ducks she thought were her friends really just used her.

Then the unusual little duckling hit her mid-life crisis and decided to try therapy again because she just felt like everything was unraveling, in particular, her sanity.

Several weeks into digging around in her head, she said something that made a light bulb go off in the therapist's head.  She said she never felt like she ever really fit in.  And he said, maybe that's because you're not a duck.  How can you feel like you belong with all these ducks when you're obviously a swan?  

A swan?

Not that swans are better than ducks or vice versa.... swans just aren't ducks.  So now the weird little not-a-duck has to go out and figure out where to find other swans.  Maybe all this time she kept pretending to be a duck was part of the reason she felt sad a lot.  Because she tried to hide the things that weren't duck-like.  The things that made her happy. 

Now the swan is going to figure out how to be a swan.  Maybe it will take some time figuring that out.  She could find herself among egrets or pelicans before she finds the swans, but she's excited to take on the adventure.

28 Days of Gratitude - Day 5

Today I am grateful for money in the bank so that we can afford the week's expenses.

I am grateful for quiet mornings at work so that I have a chance to wake up in peace.

I am grateful for Charli for being concerned about me.

I am grateful for a dishwasher to make cleaning the dishes easier.

I am grateful for hot water because showers are much nicer warm.

I am grateful for my sense of humor because it keeps me amused.

I am grateful for my glasses because I can't see well without them.

I am grateful for the beauty school for making it so I can get a nice hair cut cheaply.

I am grateful for sleep because it recharges me for another day.

I am grateful for my imagination because it keeps me entertained for hours.

28 Days of Gratitude - Day 4

Today I am grateful for headlights so I can see to drive to work.

I am grateful for honest people because they inspire me.

I am grateful for being able to refill prescriptions online because it saves me from making a phone call.

I am grateful for sweet notes from teachers because I love to hear that they love my kids.

I am grateful for fans because they keep me cool.

I am grateful for my nose because somet things smell so good.

I am grateful for the mailman because just going to the end of my driveway to check the mail is very convenient.

I am grateful for nice, ripe tomatoes because tomato sandwiches will always be my favorite.

I am grateful for Bill's job because it has been a steady source of income for years.

I am grateful for healthy children because so many people deal with struggles I can't imagine.

28 Days of Gratitude - Day 3

Today I am grateful for my phone for keeping me occupied when I'm bored.

I am grateful for money so that I can pay my bills.

I am grateful for my coworkers who help make my job smoother.

I am grateful for dragonflies because they are my spirit animal.

I am grateful for coffee because it gets me going in the morning.

I am grateful for the school nurse for taking care of my kids.

I am grateful for my brother-in-law for helping out with my kids.

I am grateful for routines because I feel better when I have one.

I am grateful for my eyes because I like seeing beautiful things.

I am grateful for music because it makes me feel more deeply.

Thank you, Bill, for being a good father.
Thank you, Bill, for working so hard to provide for the family.
Thank you, Bill, for your sense of humor.
Thank you, Bill, for mowing the lawn.
Thank you, Bill, for sticking around.

Thank you, Momma, for giving me life.
Thank you, Momma, for caring for my friends growing up.
Thank you, Momma, for being a good example of work ethic.
Thank you, Momma, for standing up for me against your own mother.
Thank you, Momma, for taking care of me when I was sick.

Thank you, Crystal, for being my friend in addition to being my sister.
Thank you, Crystal, for always being willing to help with my kids.
Thank you, Crystal, for taking care of Momma.
Thank you, Crytsal, for your quilting talent.
Thank you, Crystal, for always encouraging me.

28 Days of Gratitude - Day 2

Today I am grateful for cranberry apple granola because it makes my tummy happy.

I am grateful for my therapist because I feel better after talking to her.

I am grateful for my feeling productive yesterday because I got a lot done.

I am grateful for health insurance because it helps me get better care.

I am grateful for dreams because they fascinate me.

I am grateful for cooler days because it's nicer than hot weather.

I am grateful for melatonin for helping me get to sleep.

I am grateful for another day to live.

I am grateful for scrubs because it makes getting ready for work so simple.

I am grateful for clocks so that I can know what time it is.

28 Days of Gratitude - Day 1

Today I am grateful for rainbow socks because they make me smile.

I am grateful for the snooze button because the time in between alarms is when the bed is the comfiest.

I am grateful for my job because I enjoy being able to pay my bills.

I am grateful for Tiny Alpacacino because he makes me smile.

I am grateful for my older sister because she inspires and encourages creativity.

I am grateful for my washing machine because it is so much more convenient than any alternatives.

I am grateful for my home because it shelters us and keeps us safe.

I am grateful for insulin because it keeps me healthy.

I am grateful for school because my children aren't home all day.

I am grateful for finger nail clippers because they keep me from having ragged nails and snagging everything.

Summer blahs

Oh, summer.  Will we ever get along?  Probably not.

It's been a while.  At first it was because I was super busy.  Then it was because I was super blah.

My Random Balls of Happiness project kind of exploded for a minute, but has calmed down since.  I'm just letting it take its own course.  It's been really interesting to see the people I connect with on Instagram, and the other projects that are out there.  There's such a huge community of people trying to spread happiness and find and point out the beauty in the world.  It's amazing.

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Jun 6, 2016 at 6:10pm PDT

Even though my Happy Balls are kind of like therapy for me, and I've been feeling really good for a while, the clouds rolled in not too long ago.  I had hoped it was a PMS thing, and my therapist and psychiatrist think it could be hormonal, but I'm definitely struggling.  The psychiatrist is adjusting my medications and my therapist suggested that I keep track of my moods to see if it is related to my hormones in any way.  I really need more than 2 highlighters because I should have more than "happy" and "sad", but it's more like "good" and "bad" and I'm writing what's actually going on.  I HATE adjusting my Topamax dosage.  Good grief that stuff messes me up for a few days when I have to increase it.

The psychiatrist also gave me Lorazepam, which honestly scares the crap out of me because it's addictive.  It's prescribed to be taken as needed, and I've only taken it once since she prescribed it. I know people abuse the stuff, and I don't know how it makes people feel when they don't have anxiety/depression, but it just made me feel calm again and eventually I fell asleep.  Like I said, the stuff makes me nervous (ironic, an anti-anxiety medication making you anxious) because I don't want to be dependent on anything.  I've never even liked strong pain killers.  Plus, it's not often I have the luxury of being able to just knock myself out to cope with not being able to deal with life.  You know what I mean?  I have kids that need to be attended to, a job that I have to work.  It's not easy to schedule a nervous breakdown.  Trust me, I've been postponing mine for years now.

I'm actually having a good day so far.  It's not even 7am, but you know, I actually have a positive outlook on the day instead of feeling like finding the nearest cave and moving in.  Hopefully I can have a nice long yellow streak on the calendar.  PMS isn't supposed to hit for another week at any rate, anyway.