Early in the morning

I decided that in order to avoid having a heat stroke at some point this summer, I'll have to get up super early on Sundays to run.  Waking up at 6am on the weekend is not my idea of fun, but neither is passing out somewhere along the Arkansas River miles away from any road.  

So, today, I managed to drag my booty out of the bed at 6:05 am (I hit snooze, but just once).  I debated whether or not to eat something first... and knowing that we were in need of groceries and my choices were toast or toast... I made the terrible decision to just wait until after my run.

While I was getting dressed, I started making myself really paranoid about going out to run so early.  I don't know why I felt like it would be more dangerous than running any other time of day, since it was daylight already, but I felt like I'd be out there all alone on the trail.  Except for the maniac serial killers, of course.

But I went anyway.  Because screw serial killers.

There were probably more people out that early than I usually see later in the day.  And I discovered that's when the fit shirtless guys (vs the not-so-easy-on-the-eyes shirtless guys) run.  So, if I were to pass out or have some hobo accost me, I had lots of muscle to rescue me.

I started off, and my legs just felt really heavy.  I couldn't find my rhythm.  After a mile, I decided I would walk a quarter mile, then run a mile, and so on like that.  After my second mile run, I got some water and was at the Big Dam Bridge and was glad that it was a walking section because I am not ready for a quarter mile of uphill.  I thought running back down would be easy, but running down the bridge is very jarring to the body, and I decided to walk back down.  I drank some water and took off running again, but just wasn't feeling it.  My lower back was hurting and I felt just icky.

I probably should have eaten.  And I think my body is fighting off something.  I walked the rest of the way back, and towards the end, even that was difficult.  

The temperature was really great though... not hot at all.  And it rained a little on me, which was nice.  It wasn't hard rain, just sprinkles.

I picked up some donuts for the girls on the way home and ate, then while they ate and watched TV, I laid down on the bed and dozed off for a while.  I felt just awful.  Achy, my head hurt, totally wiped out.  

After I got up, made coffee and took some Advil, I felt fine.  

Part of me is disappointed I didn't run my entire 4.5 miles today, or even half of it.  But part of me is content to resign myself to the idea that maybe I won't be ready to run the entire half-marathon, and that's OK.  I'm going to keep my mileage for my Sunday runs the same and run what I can.  I'm sure some weeks will be awesome, and some will suck like today.  I just hope that by giving myself that inch that I won't take a mile and end up just walking the whole thing.  

I've just been struggling with running the past few weeks... I'm having a very hard time making myself run on the treadmill.  My head just isn't in the game lately and it's frustrating.  I know as long as I'm still doing something, it's good.  I think a big part of it is just that it's summer.  I'm not a summer person.  The heat just drains me, and I'm constantly having to remind myself that once I get this weight off, summer won't be so bad, so I have to just keep dragging myself along.  

Tomorrow I am taking the girls to a children's nutrition class offered by UAMS.  I'm curious to see how it goes and if having someone other than me tell the girls how important it is to eat healthy food has any impact.  My sister has a friend who has gone through their very intense weight loss program, and while I don't really agree with all the things his nutritionist tells him (like encouraging reduced fat products and things like that), I hope that there won't be many things they have to say that I'll be biting my tongue about.

Flattery and Fear

I had like a million things to do tonight.  The girls trashed the living room (what else is new?), there's laundry to be done (when isn't there?), I should have done some yoga or something.  But instead I ended up getting addicted to a show.  When the girls were winding down in bed, I thought I'd check out a show I queued on Netflix that I figured would be too short for running to, Wilfred.  Just one less-than-half-hour show while the girls found their way to dreamland.

Holy cow, that show cracks me up.  It's about a really depressed guy who tries to kill himself unsuccessfully and befriends his neighbor's dog, who looks like a guy in a ratty dog suit.  It has Elijah Wood in it, and I just think he's adorable.

I watched 5 episodes.  I tried to stop after 2, really, I did.  But it's so good.

Yeah, nothing got done tonight.  But I laughed.  

*warning... the show would probably be offensive to a lot of people.  I tend to find offensive things funny.  Sorry.

Anyway.

Let me tell you what happened to me today.  

I was at work and went into the nursing supervisor's office to get something and she stopped me to ask me a question.

She said she let her husband sign her up for a half-marathon (possibly the same one I'm doing, there aren't that many that happen around here) and asked ME how to train for it.

*jaw drop*

She had asked me before about running and I know my boss likes to tell people that I did a half-marathon all the time.  When she doesn't get mixed up and tell them I ran a triathlon.  Good grief, can you imagine?  I actually discovered earlier today that there's a duathon and a triathlon later this summer, but I neither bike nor swim, so I don't even know why I'm mentioning that.

Chocolate.  I had chocolate.  You'll have to forgive me.

I was really flattered that someone came to me for advice like that.  I don't really talk about stuff like that at work much, and only a handful of people at work are on my Facebook, and most of them are the type that just have to have everyone they have ever met as a friend so they barely notice my posts anyway, so I'm usually caught off guard by anyone there even knowing that I run now.

Then there was another thing that happened that made me think a little bit about something.  This is a little personal, but you know... the chocolate is making my fingers chatty I guess.

Bill had told me the other day that he and Zoe's teacher had talked about church, and told me not to be surprised if she asked me to go to church.  I don't usually go to church, for reasons.  I try not to get into religion here (or anywhere) so I'll leave it at that.  Well, today she actually did mention it.  Part of me feels like it's her way of trying to be able to see Zoe after this school year is over... she's been her teacher 2 years now and is really fond of her.  And then the thought that made me think..

"What if she's just trying to be your friend?"

I'm sure I've talked about this before, but it feels like the dumbest thing to say, but that kind of scares me.  Even with the nursing supervisor talking to me today, she's being friendly and, while feeling flattered, I felt like bolting out the door.

I don't have any really close friends.  I have a few people at work I would call a friend, but it rarely goes outside of work.  I have some old friends from school that I keep up with online now, but rarely see in person.  I have some good internet friends that I've never met.  Hell, for all intents and purposes, it's like all my friends are imaginary because without a computer they may as well not even exist.  Since cutting my two closest friends out of my life last year (and there were real reasons, not just this social anxiety I'm fessing up to), I really and truly have had ZERO social life outside of family.  I've gone through phases where I'll be "I need to get out there and make friends!" but I just can't do it.

I'm not having a pity party.  Most of the time I'm perfectly fine with it.  But I just don't understand it.  Why is it so difficult for me?  Am I just afraid of being used and hurt?  Am I just too lazy to put forth the effort?  I mean, it's really easy to not have friends.  Seriously.  No coordinating schedules when you want to do something, no trying to balance family/friend time.  Do I feel lonely sometimes?  Sure, but not as often as you'd think.  Is that wrong?  It does bother me that the idea of making a friend freaks me out.  I don't think I should have some sort of fear about it.  I think maybe I'm a little too comfortable with solitude.  Or maybe I just tell myself I am. 

I don't know.... I think I'm just thinking to much and should go to bed.  =)

The cycle

I have been struggling quite a bit with my eating lately.  Trying to keep it real, you guys.  LOL

I generally don't enjoy cooking, which is a real pain when you're trying to eat clean or Paleo or Primal.  You just have to cook.  Add in the fact that every single time I hit some sort of milestone in my weight loss, I tend to just let go.  It never fails.  It's why my weight loss has taken as long as it has.  Yes, I've made a lot of progress, but 37 lbs in about a year isn't fast by any means.  Not that I'm trying to belittle my progress, I'm just saying that if I could stay on track consistently, it would be much higher.

When I am on track, I feel great.  Energetic and really motivated.  But when I slip, this vicious cycle begins.  I don't feel energetic or motivated, so I find reasons not too cook... then I don't have things prepared to take to lunch and I end up eating out... then I feel even more sluggish and unmotivated and don't want to cook dinner.  You get the picture, I'm sure.  

This past week was worse than ever, because not only did I not feel the energy or motivation to cook, I didn't have to worry about feeding my husband.  Making sure he has stuff in the fridge to eat when he gets home is usually what keeps me from falling off the wagon totally, even if it is by my fingernails.

And I have zero interest in food in general.  Yes, I get hungry, but there are few things I really want to eat.  Meal planning?  Torture.  Making a grocery list?  Well, I have to plan meals first.

Luckily, I've had my running to keep me from just spinning totally out of control.  I run 3 times a week, and I haven't strayed from that at all.  I'd like to do more on my non-run days, but as long as I have those days going for me, I feel like I've not totally given up.

I had hoped to hit 40 lbs lost by my 5k next Sunday, but that's most likely not possible at this point.  It was totally possible when I hit 37 lbs lost, but then I bounced off that pretty hard, as I always do.

But...

I'm really going to make the effort this week to get back on track.  I planned out meals for the week and went grocery shopping.  I have stuff for my lunches.  We do have a date night on Monday (what?  how'd that happen?) but I have already put in my request to eat somewhere I know I can enjoy eating healthy at.  I'm going to make sure I'm tracking my calories.  I may not be 227 at my 5k in a week, but I should feel much, much better.

Time to hit the upswing of the cycle.  And really concentrate on staying away from the down side for a while.

So, anyway...

It's my last week before my 5k!  Eek!  I'm going to see if watching something while running on the treadmill makes the time pass quickly.  Netflix on my phone, so you know, I won't be able to see crap.  LOL  I'm getting bored with my music playlist and wanted to try something different.  Tomorrow I'm aiming for 2.75 miles outside... my last outside run before the 5k.  Then 3 miles on Tuesday and a trial 5k on the treadmill Thursday.  It's gonna happen, folks!

Then it's 10k training.  Onward and upward.

37... 62... 18... 2000

Another numbers post...  Yay!

Today was weigh in day.  As you may remember, way back sometime last year, I set a goal to lost 37 lbs by my 37th birthday.  I failed pretty spectacularly at the deadline, BUT!  I have finally reached the 37 lb mark!  That puts me at 230(.2, but close enough) lbs!

This puts me at my wedding weight, pre-popping-out-babies weight.  Yes, I am tempted to dig out my wedding dress to try on.  And I will one of these days, mostly because I really want to take pictures of my kids with it.

Now, that 37lbs is from when I really got serious about this weight loss journey.  My highest weight, about 2-3 years ago, was 292 lbs.  So, all together I have lost 62 lbs.  I say that because I know that's significant.  I don't usually "count" it, because those extra 25 lbs weren't something I worked all that hard for.  A good chunk of it was my body saying "Whoa! I can't take this anymore!" and being so sick that the weight disappeared.  Unintentional weight loss is a sign of diabetes.  There were a few pounds here and there from some trying off and on, but until I set that goal when I was 267 lbs, I wasn't really trying.

Every 1st of the month (or the next day when my husband isn't home LOL), I do measurements and try on my "goal" jeans.  I always have a pair of jeans the next size smaller to work towards.  Right now, that is a pair of size 18 Levis.  Last month, I was able to get them on, but they were far from actually fitting.  Very tight in the gut.  Mega muffin top.  Not cute.  

Well, my shorts from last summer are literally falling off of me.  I'm not using "literally" in the obnoxious exaggerating sense, they really were falling off of me when I was running around with the kids at the park Monday.  I really needed a new pair, but I couldn't find any 20s at the store that didn't look like something my mom would wear.  I love my mom, but I won't dress like her.  I went ahead and got a pair of 18s, thinking I could at least hang on to them like my goal jeans.  I'll just go somewhere else later for 20s.  I got home and for kicks, put them on and...

They fit perfectly!  I am wearing size 18!  Forget buying a size 20!  I'm going shopping for a 16 next!

The jeans are still a little snug in the waist, but not as bad as last month.  Maybe by next month I'll feel comfortable in them, but you know what?  It's shorts season, baby!

And, as a bonus, I have this habit of pulling my pants down without unbuttoning or unzipping them, because all the clothes I own are too big.  I can still do this in the 18s.  Yep.  That's pretty cool.

On to the number 2000.

I was at work today overhearing a conversation between coworkers.  Coworker 1 said said, very discouraged, "Man, I've already eaten 395 calories today."  (It was after lunch, by the way)  I've heard a similar conversation between these people before, and I have to just bite my tongue.  You CANNOT lose weight eating so little.  Well, Coworker 2 said, "You should ask Jennifer how much she eats, I know she eats more than that."  It's rare that anyone asks me how I have lost weight.  They have noticed my weight loss, yes, and they do know I eat healthy, but they usually don't ask me how.  I know that no one wants unsolicited weight loss advice, so I keep it to myself.  

But, surprisingly, they asked so I told them... I usually average around 2000 calories a day.  Never less than 1800. (Actually, until I recalculated my BMR today, it was 1850). Coworker 1 looked really surprised.  Then I explained to her that if she doesn't eat enough, she won't lose weight and I directed her to a BMR calculator where she discovered she needs at least 1600 calories.  I think that made her day.  I'm not sure what her goal was before that, but most people think 1000 to 1200 calories a day is the limit if you want to lose weight.  So not true.  Some very petite people might be OK with that, but the average person will not.

Think of your fat as a savings account.  Your body has all these bills to pay (calories burned in a day) and you need an income (food).  There is always going to be a minimum amount that has to be paid, even if you're in a coma.  This is your BMR.  It's the bare minimum you should be eating.  So, up until  you decide to lose weight, you obviously have excess income.  But then you start restricting that income, trying to drain your savings account.  If you restrict your income too much though, your body gets very miserly and starts pinching pennies, saving every calorie it can because it's afraid not even the savings account will last.  That's how we are designed, because years and years ago, if our bodies didn't conserve the fat we built up over bountiful times, we'd starve to death in the winter.  But if you make sure your body is getting enough to pay the bills, it isn't so miserly with the savings account and will use it for the excess energy you expend while working out.

If you want to calculate your BMR, check out this.  And remember, this is the bare minimum.  There is a link on that page to the Harris Benedict Equation to figure out how much over that you need based on your activity level.  You just get that number and deduct 500-1000 calories to lose 1-2 lbs a week, but - again - never less than your BMR.  For example, my BMR is 1790.  I workout 3-5 days a week, so I multiply that by 1.55.  I can maintain my current weight at 2775 calories a day at my current activity level.  But I don't want to maintain, so I shoot for 2000 or so.

Usually, since I have a Fitbit, which estimates my calorie burn for the day based on my steps for the day, and I workout at night, I'll take the previous day's calorie burn and subtract 500-1000 calories and shoot for that.  Again, it's usually around 2000.

Well, that was a longer post than intended.  =)

Tony Horton is a dork!

I got my Power 90 stuff yesterday. I watched the Cardio and Abs workout and it doesn't look so difficult that it would kill me. Of course I might feel differently when I actually do it =) And I haven't seen the Sculpting workout yet. The power yoga might take me a while to do properly. I've done kickboxing, so that's no biggie. Jumping jacks... not a big fan of jumping over here. But I'll do my best. That's my promise to myself. Do the best I can do throughout the 90 days.

I do have a problem. My DVD player remote is MIA. Has been for a very long time, but I haven't really needed it. But I need it to do any workout other than Phase I-II Cardio. Like Phase I-II Sculpting that I'm supposed to do every other day... But, we need another DVD player, because we only have one and Bill likes to have it set up on the TV in the playroom. (I don't, because I'd rather not have 2 TVs, but at least it's in the playroom and not a bedroom) So I will probably buy an inexpensive DVD player today for the living room.

I'm excited. I like how Tony shows you alternative moves in case what he's doing is too advanced. I like how it's very simple - no choreography to learn - because I'm not the most coordinated soul. I have to admit that Tony is a dork. But I like dorks, so it's alright. I don't really know anyone who has done any of his workouts other than P90X and he might be more serious in that one... I don't know. But he's just goofy.

I'm going to keep up with my progress on my weight loss blog, but I will probably put up some highlights over here. Unless I just suck really bad and then I'm sure you won't hear from me about it at all. Just being honest...