Unsettled

This really doesn't have anything to do with my list. I just need to blow off some steam. I mean, in a way it does, because I've sucked at my list lately. Lately, if I make a list of things to do... it won't get done. Period. If I try to challenge myself in anyway, I lose it. It doesn't matter if it's a list of chores, a way to challenge myself to lose weight - I'm going to sabotage myself somehow. I know it. Just don't know what to do about it right now.

The no smoking thing has something to do with it and it's a rollercoaster. I made it almost a whole week without any, but it didn't last. Still, it's 1 or 2 a day, so it's not like I'm smoking a whole pack or anything. I just think I need to get some patches or something to get me through. I always thought it would just be fighting off cravings. But it's way more than that. And let's roll on in some PMS (which seems to be getting worse by the month lately) and I'm ready to be committed - no exaggeration. Yesterday I was fighting tears one minute, laughing at absolutely nothing the next, and wanting to rip someone to shreds. I'm not talking about "hey, I'm feeling a little anxious today." I'm talking about sobbing at my desk at work... running to my bedroom at home to bawl because I will injure my children if I don't. I was ready to call the doctor for some prescription help. But I'm better today. Mostly. Enough to not call the doctor.

I am hating my job. I go through this every so often it seems. Normally, I don't really like it, but it pays the bills. But right now, I detest it and I would work part time at Wendy's if needed to pay the bills just to get away. Almost. I can't concentrate one little bit. My boss annoys the crap out of me. It's inconvenient. I hate it. I really can't think of anything about it that I like.

Money. What else do I need to say? When I'm in moods like this I don't care, I don't want to deal with it, I can't handle keeping up with it. And it always shows.

And here's another thing. I'm not one to really "regret" stuff. My life is what it is and I wouldn't have the good without the bad, right? Well, it's like this.... I was my high school valedictorian. With that comes high expectations, right? Right. Did I really live up to those expectations? Not even close. Probably those expectations were only my own.... possibly no one else looks at where I am and says "God, Jennifer! You could be doing so much more with your life right now..." And I'm pissed off at myself for it. Why now? Why all of a sudden do I feel like this? No, I didn't finish college and get a degree to be something... I don't know what. That's one of the reasons I quit. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And it's not like I'm THAT old... I'm only 33 and I have MANY, MANY years ahead of me. I know what I want to do now, I just have to get there. And going to college to get some BS degree wouldn't help me now anyway.

I just need a break. It's just been one of those weeks where the idea of having a nervous breakdown and being admitted to the hospital kind of sounds like a viable, preferrable option.

#10 - Take a family portrait every 6 months

My baby is 15 months old and we have only had one family portrait made. I don't really want to go to WalMart or Sears and I can't really afford a professional photographer. So we wait until we have an occasion to all be dressed nicely and have someone take our picture informally.





I found out a few weeks ago that a guy at church was offering to do free family photos on Easter. Awesome. I made the girls' Easter dresses and was stoked about them... I coached Bill all morning to practice smiling... I was so excited. We were going to get a new, even better family portrait. I just knew it.

OK. So I'm not going to blow this up to put on the wall. The old one will suffice for another 6 months or so.

My husband swears he is smiling. Do you see even a hint of a smile? No. You do not. He's a liar. He even looks like this in our wedding pictures. Completely miserable. One day, our kids are going to look at all our family pictures and wonder, "Why didn't Daddy ever look happy? Was he that miserable to be with us?" That's OK, because I look happy at least. Not that you can really see me that well...

Next, let's look at Zoe. Do you notice her bare feet? Yes, I got them all dressed up for Easter and forgot to put shoes on the baby. I was so embarrassed.

And my darling, demon possessed Olivia... She was happy and smiling until the moment we mentioned taking a picture. Then she shrivelled up and we're pretty lucky that I managed to keep her dress down because she was flailing about for a while.

One day I will have a nice family portrait. I might have to hire actors to stand in for my family, but I will have a nice family portrait.

#77 - Do the MS Walk every year

This past Saturday was the Multiple Sclerosis Walk. I was very proud of myself. I raised $100. I earned a t-shirt even. Too bad MS Walk t-shirts are always, and I do mean always, ugly.

I forgot my camera AND my phone, so I was unable to take any pictures. I didn't think that would be an issue until the Stormtrooper walked by me. Yes, a Stormtrooper. Full get-up. I'm not really sure why this guy felt the need to be a Stormtrooper for the MS Walk, but he apparently did.

I didn't have a team or even a buddy to walk with. It made the time before the walk drag on for what seemed like hours. I'm not outgoing, so it's not like I was going to walk up to some strangers or Stormtroopers and strike up a conversation. By the time the walk actually started, I was bored out of my skull.

I'm not sure if it has something to do with having 3 small kids and lack of sleep and all that jazz or if I'm just going crazy as I get older, but at one point, as I'm walking towards the Clinton Presidential Library (which looks like a mobile home hanging over the river. For real... google it) staring at the back of a Stormtrooper, Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It came on the MP3 player and I almost, ALMOST, started singing out loud at the top of my lungs. Why should I care if people think I'm crazy? I'm walking behind a STORMTROOPER for Pete's sake.

Here, I saved you a Google.

#76 - Do the Heart Walk every year

This past Saturday, April 4, 2009, I participated in the Heart Walk. My sister and I had a team of 7 people - us, two of my cousins, and three of my sister's coworkers. We raised over $800 for the American Heart Association!

My sister and I before the walk... aren't we just too cute?



My sister and I were walking to honor our dad, who has had bypass surgery and countless heart caths and stent placements. My cousins were walking in memory of their mother, who passed way due to heart disease on March 23rd. It was an emotional day, especially for them. We were surrounded by survivors - adults and children. It's easy sometimes to forget that heart disease isn't just an adult, poor-lifestyle kind of thing. There were teams devoted to these kids who were born with heart problems. It was very touching to see so many people doing something to bring awareness and raise funds to help everyone with heart disease.

We plan on reviving our team next year, and hopefully adding to it. I think my sister said our goal will be 10 members and $1000 raised. This year it was just 5 members and $500, which we blew out of the water.

Next Saturday I have the MS Walk, in honor of my mother who has struggled with Multiple Sclerosis for about 20 years now. I'm doing that one alone, but I've raised $50 so far and have a few people who have promised to donate that haven't yet. And I have added another walk, but it's not on the list. A group from my church is doing the Alzheimer's Memory Walk and asked me to join them. At first I wasn't going to, because it would make three weekends in a row that I'd be doing charity walks and people are getting a little tired of me begging for donations. But my grandmother, who passed away 3 years ago, suffered from Alzheimer's, so it's just as important to me as the Heart Walk and MS Walks. It's sad to say, but there are probably other walks that I'm not aware of that I could do due to personal connections like that. You name a disease, someone in my family has it or has had it.