Unsettled

This really doesn't have anything to do with my list. I just need to blow off some steam. I mean, in a way it does, because I've sucked at my list lately. Lately, if I make a list of things to do... it won't get done. Period. If I try to challenge myself in anyway, I lose it. It doesn't matter if it's a list of chores, a way to challenge myself to lose weight - I'm going to sabotage myself somehow. I know it. Just don't know what to do about it right now.

The no smoking thing has something to do with it and it's a rollercoaster. I made it almost a whole week without any, but it didn't last. Still, it's 1 or 2 a day, so it's not like I'm smoking a whole pack or anything. I just think I need to get some patches or something to get me through. I always thought it would just be fighting off cravings. But it's way more than that. And let's roll on in some PMS (which seems to be getting worse by the month lately) and I'm ready to be committed - no exaggeration. Yesterday I was fighting tears one minute, laughing at absolutely nothing the next, and wanting to rip someone to shreds. I'm not talking about "hey, I'm feeling a little anxious today." I'm talking about sobbing at my desk at work... running to my bedroom at home to bawl because I will injure my children if I don't. I was ready to call the doctor for some prescription help. But I'm better today. Mostly. Enough to not call the doctor.

I am hating my job. I go through this every so often it seems. Normally, I don't really like it, but it pays the bills. But right now, I detest it and I would work part time at Wendy's if needed to pay the bills just to get away. Almost. I can't concentrate one little bit. My boss annoys the crap out of me. It's inconvenient. I hate it. I really can't think of anything about it that I like.

Money. What else do I need to say? When I'm in moods like this I don't care, I don't want to deal with it, I can't handle keeping up with it. And it always shows.

And here's another thing. I'm not one to really "regret" stuff. My life is what it is and I wouldn't have the good without the bad, right? Well, it's like this.... I was my high school valedictorian. With that comes high expectations, right? Right. Did I really live up to those expectations? Not even close. Probably those expectations were only my own.... possibly no one else looks at where I am and says "God, Jennifer! You could be doing so much more with your life right now..." And I'm pissed off at myself for it. Why now? Why all of a sudden do I feel like this? No, I didn't finish college and get a degree to be something... I don't know what. That's one of the reasons I quit. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And it's not like I'm THAT old... I'm only 33 and I have MANY, MANY years ahead of me. I know what I want to do now, I just have to get there. And going to college to get some BS degree wouldn't help me now anyway.

I just need a break. It's just been one of those weeks where the idea of having a nervous breakdown and being admitted to the hospital kind of sounds like a viable, preferrable option.