Reflections and Projections

I'm not sure what it is this year, but I don't feel that reflective as we end 2009. I have more the opinion of "let's get this over with and get to the New Year already!" It's not that I've had a BAD year, but I can't really say it's been a spectacular year. It definitely could have been better, and probably should have been better and maybe that's where my attitude comes from. 2008 was an awesome year. I honestly can't tell you why at the moment, but I do remember closing out the year feeling accomplished and satisfied. I just don't feel that way this year.

Of course, there were some downers, but you can't expect a year to go by without something. My aunt passed away and really brought the possibility of my own parents' deaths much closer to home than I would have liked. I didn't expect her death to hit me like it did. I still feel very sad for my cousins, and when I was looking through pictures of her oldest grandchild getting married over the summer, I swear to you I could feel her with me and hear her singing.

I felt very stressed out by the negativity around me in the world... people freaking out over politics, the economy, H1N1, etc. I can only imagine how crazy it would have made me if I actively followed the news.

My best friends have been gone all year. I just kind of feel like Adam in particular helps so much to ground me, and having gone through the year hardly seeing or speaking to him even has sucked.

But there were plenty of highlights throughout the year.

Our vacation to NY was amazing, Olivia started school, watching Zoe grow into her little personality without having the demands of a newborn to distract me, Bill has had the same job all year, we quit smoking...

Like I said, though, I am ready to get to 2010 and I am set that I will make the most of this year. I've had a few years where I didn't want to make resolutions... but I want to this year. I want to make goals and I want to achieve goals.

The last time I saw Adam, he said something to me. He might have just been saying it to be saying it, because that was his demeanor at the time, but I know Adam usually doesn't just shoot off at the mouth. He said (and this isn't word for word) "Don't let your self-doubt keep you from accomplishing your goals."

And oh, how I do.

So I have two themes this year: Control and Confidence

I want to be in control of our finances. We're discussing doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and the Total Money Makeover system. It's scary to me. I was super pumped and excited at first and then the reality of the sacrifices involved sunk in and I'm scared to death. But that has a great deal to do with lack of confidence... I feel that there is no way I can make it work. I know I can if I just relax and do it though.

I want to be in control of my health. I've let my weight loss quest slide for about a month now, and I really need to focus again and make some serious and permanent changes throughout the year.

Throughout this past year, a thought that crosses my mind often has been "what's the worst that can happen if you fail?" I have been reluctant to do photography for people, and have mostly refused to let people pay me for it because I just haven't felt confident enough in myself. A girl at work wants me to give her a quote for a wedding for a friend of hers and my stomach just flips thinking about it. This is what I want, but it's terrifying to actually do it. There are so many photographers out there and sometimes I am just afraid I'm not that good.

But what's the worst that can happen if I try to make my name out there? I don't get anyone calling for my services? That's what I have now... what's the big deal? Could I fall on my face? Yeah. But it won't kill me, and as long as I'm alive, it's not a total loss.

I thought today maybe I should find a tiny toy football helmet to carry around to remind me that it won't kill me to take a couple of knocks.

So other than all that deep stuff, I want to be more creative with the sewing machine this year. I have plans to make sock monkeys for each of the girls (the Rockford Red Heel Socks are on their way), rag dolls for the girls, probably some dresses this summer...

I am truly excited about 2010 and want to make it an exciting and satisfying year. I sincerely hope that anyone reading this an exciting and satisfying year also and that you have the control and confidence to reach all your goals and then some!