Coming up for air

Hi!  It's been a while....  I've been avoiding the computer for the most part.  I haven't even been reading blogs (sorry!).  It's been a rough couple of months on top of me just being very busy. 

Back in October, I had asked my doctor to put me on an antidepressant.  Things were OK for a while, but then they started getting worse.  Way worse.  I was to the point where I'd get home from work, sit down in my chair and didn't have the energy or desire to move until I dragged myself to bed.  I had no desire to do anything but crochet.  No walking.  Barely cleaning the house.  Rarely cooking.  And I didn't really see it until I had a very bad day at work and I had one of those "aha!" moments.  I could see that things were bad and blamed my job entirely.  Threatened to quit, but Bill wasn't going to be supportive of that and my boss was ready to do anything to keep me.  I said I'd hang in there, but things HAD to get better. 

Last Wednesday, I got aggravated over something stupid and sat at my desk fuming for a few minutes.  Then I realized I was about to start crying, so I got up and went to the bathroom.  I was in there crying hysterically for 10 minutes before I could calm down and go back to tell my boss I was leaving for the day.  I walked in her office and started again, another 10 minutes of crying and shaking.  I went home, spent the day thinking.  My boss texted me all day long, to make sure I was OK and suggest different things to try and help me out at work.  I struggled through Thursday and Friday, wishing I could just quit.  Saturday was when I realized I was in a lot of trouble.... I spent the day fighting tears, hiding in my room, throwing a tantrum when I got angry that the girls refused to help me clean... I planned on leaving the house before anyone woke up Sunday, leaving for 2 days... just run away from it all while Bill was off work to take care of the kids.  Deep down I knew that was bad.  It wasn't until I started thinking about cutting myself that I realized I needed help.  ASAP.  I begged Bill to give me a day to myself Sunday and I had already had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday (very fortunate timing).  I hoped if I could keep myself busy and away from stress until the appointment that things would be OK.

Instead of cutting myself, I did something else I'm prone to do when stressed out.  I cut my hair.  I cut it ALL off.  I've never had it this short.  Pixie cut short.  I love it.  Best thing I could have done for myself.

At my doctor's appointment, I told my doctor what was going on.  He asked me if I wanted to increase my  dosage on the Zoloft, and I told him something that I had been thinking about all day Sunday.   I've had spells of depression off and on my whole life.  The only time I was self-destructive, the only time I cut myself... I was on Zoloft.  And it seemed like the higher they increased my dosage, the worse I got.  So we decided to switch my meds altogether.  He switched me to Cymbalta, and not even a week out, I feel so much better.  Like people commenting on how much more cheerful I am better.

I am really hoping that this is going to lead me back to life again.  I am feeling a little more motivated, and that's a good thing, because I have a half-marathon in TWO WEEKS.  I haven't exercised in over a month.  But I'm going to try.  I had talked myself into not doing it, but I can't do that.  I need this.  Giving up is NOT an option.

Earlier today, a friend asked me if I was going to join in on her weight loss competition in a message on Facebook.  I wasn't really sure if I was ready to commit to something like that yet, so I set my phone down without responding, telling myself to think about it for a few minutes.  Then my notification went off again and I had another message from her saying "Great!  Jump on in."  I was confused, and then I saw the thumbs up picture (if you hit "send" without typing a message, it just puts up a thumbs up picture).  I must have accidently hit it when I put my phone down.  I'm taking it as a sign.  It's time.

Keep me in your thoughts, if you can.  I'll try to get back here more often, but I truly am very busy... my crochet business is keeping me hopping and now I'm crash training for the half-marathon and my kids are involved in the kids' marathon that we're behind in training for, too.  (They accumulate 25 miles over the weeks before the race, and do the final mile together.... they're not doing 26.2 miles in one day LOL).