Day 1

So.... how's it going?  I've been pretty quiet, I know.  It's been one of those times where I didn't want to write unless I felt really negative and I didn't want to spread that around, so I just haven't had a lot to say.  It's been a tough year and I'm trying....  it doesn't feel like enough sometimes, but I'm still plodding along.

I went to the doctor yesterday, for a follow up on my diabetes.  Things are going well there.  All medicated up, I can keep my numbers normal as long as I'm being sensible with my carbs.  I really would like to lose enough weight to reduce or eliminate some or all of my medications, because my insulin is CRAZY expensive.  However....  all that I've accomplished is packing on 20 pounds the past few months. 

It'so frustrating.

I really and truly believe my meds are a huge factor in that.  I am big on personal responsibility lately and I keep telling myself to be honest and think about how I contributed to that gain, and I really, really don't feel I've eaten enough to justify a gain that big.  I've been walking, I've worked really hard this summer at being active.  I have struggled with my depression this summer and I know I'm not eating to lose, and I realize subconsciously I'm probably eating more than I think, but still... 20 lbs in just a few short months is A LOT.   I haven't been very successful in a while at losing weight, but I had been maintaining in the 240s for a good long while.  266.  I feel like a whale, and I usually have a really decent body image despite being overweight.  But my clothes are starting to not fit.  I can't wear my scrub tops for work, I've resorted to tshirts with the scrub bottoms that are quickly becoming too tight.  My wedding rings won't fit anymore.  It's bad.  I haven't been above 250 in a long time and now I'm seeing 260s and I'm really scared it'll keep going up and up until I'm past my all time high of 292.

My doctor and I were discussing that, and my depression.  I told him I am not willing to go on meds for that right now because of the bad experiences I've had with Zoloft.  I just don't want to risk becoming a danger to myself again.  I'm trying to handle it in my own way, with mediation and gratefulness practice, and it works when I really apply myself.  He didn't feel the need to push me on that issue, which was a relief.  He did want me to start taking melatonin before bed because I'm not sleeping very well.  He started to suggest a prescription for that, but we both agreed that I don't allow myself enough sleep (I generally get 6.5 hours, tops, and can't manage to get to bed any earlier to get more) and I'd end up a zombie on something that strong.  His next suggestion through me for a loop, though.

He asked me how I would feel about taking Adipex for 3 months.

I'm generally a very anti-diet pill kind of girl.  I don't think it's a good long-term solution and that you have to do it the "real way" with diet/exercise/lifestyle changes.  And I told him all that.

He said he wants me to take it to get the ball rolling in the right direction again.  As a push, not a solution.  He thinks, in addition to the sleep, that losing weight right now will help me feel better physically and that will boost me mentally and get me back in the right mind frame to "do it the right way."  He said I should lose anywhere from 15-60 pounds in the 3 months time frame.  I have to lose at least 5 pounds a month to continue on it... it's a controlled substance and they aren't allowed to write refills, so I have to meet  his guidelines to get a new prescription monthly.  He's worried that if I continue to gain weight that we're going to have more and more problems with my diabetes and I think he realizes I'm pretty tapped out financially in that department.  I can't afford to increase my treatment in that area. 

So, I felt like I was eating crow this morning as I took my first Adipex pill, but I'm going to give it a try.  I do kind of feel like a fraud, but there is a big part of me that's like "I could lose so much weight so quickly!" and it is exciting.  I think that's normal, but I'm trying to be reasonable about it.  It's not a miracle drug.  I will have to work to make sure once the 3 months is up that I continue to lose weight and not gain it back.  I'm also worried about what to say when people comment on any weight loss.... I'll feel like a fraud, to be honest.  But we'll see how this goes.  I'll try to keep you posted about my progress.