Flattery and Fear

I had like a million things to do tonight.  The girls trashed the living room (what else is new?), there's laundry to be done (when isn't there?), I should have done some yoga or something.  But instead I ended up getting addicted to a show.  When the girls were winding down in bed, I thought I'd check out a show I queued on Netflix that I figured would be too short for running to, Wilfred.  Just one less-than-half-hour show while the girls found their way to dreamland.

Holy cow, that show cracks me up.  It's about a really depressed guy who tries to kill himself unsuccessfully and befriends his neighbor's dog, who looks like a guy in a ratty dog suit.  It has Elijah Wood in it, and I just think he's adorable.

I watched 5 episodes.  I tried to stop after 2, really, I did.  But it's so good.

Yeah, nothing got done tonight.  But I laughed.  

*warning... the show would probably be offensive to a lot of people.  I tend to find offensive things funny.  Sorry.

Anyway.

Let me tell you what happened to me today.  

I was at work and went into the nursing supervisor's office to get something and she stopped me to ask me a question.

She said she let her husband sign her up for a half-marathon (possibly the same one I'm doing, there aren't that many that happen around here) and asked ME how to train for it.

*jaw drop*

She had asked me before about running and I know my boss likes to tell people that I did a half-marathon all the time.  When she doesn't get mixed up and tell them I ran a triathlon.  Good grief, can you imagine?  I actually discovered earlier today that there's a duathon and a triathlon later this summer, but I neither bike nor swim, so I don't even know why I'm mentioning that.

Chocolate.  I had chocolate.  You'll have to forgive me.

I was really flattered that someone came to me for advice like that.  I don't really talk about stuff like that at work much, and only a handful of people at work are on my Facebook, and most of them are the type that just have to have everyone they have ever met as a friend so they barely notice my posts anyway, so I'm usually caught off guard by anyone there even knowing that I run now.

Then there was another thing that happened that made me think a little bit about something.  This is a little personal, but you know... the chocolate is making my fingers chatty I guess.

Bill had told me the other day that he and Zoe's teacher had talked about church, and told me not to be surprised if she asked me to go to church.  I don't usually go to church, for reasons.  I try not to get into religion here (or anywhere) so I'll leave it at that.  Well, today she actually did mention it.  Part of me feels like it's her way of trying to be able to see Zoe after this school year is over... she's been her teacher 2 years now and is really fond of her.  And then the thought that made me think..

"What if she's just trying to be your friend?"

I'm sure I've talked about this before, but it feels like the dumbest thing to say, but that kind of scares me.  Even with the nursing supervisor talking to me today, she's being friendly and, while feeling flattered, I felt like bolting out the door.

I don't have any really close friends.  I have a few people at work I would call a friend, but it rarely goes outside of work.  I have some old friends from school that I keep up with online now, but rarely see in person.  I have some good internet friends that I've never met.  Hell, for all intents and purposes, it's like all my friends are imaginary because without a computer they may as well not even exist.  Since cutting my two closest friends out of my life last year (and there were real reasons, not just this social anxiety I'm fessing up to), I really and truly have had ZERO social life outside of family.  I've gone through phases where I'll be "I need to get out there and make friends!" but I just can't do it.

I'm not having a pity party.  Most of the time I'm perfectly fine with it.  But I just don't understand it.  Why is it so difficult for me?  Am I just afraid of being used and hurt?  Am I just too lazy to put forth the effort?  I mean, it's really easy to not have friends.  Seriously.  No coordinating schedules when you want to do something, no trying to balance family/friend time.  Do I feel lonely sometimes?  Sure, but not as often as you'd think.  Is that wrong?  It does bother me that the idea of making a friend freaks me out.  I don't think I should have some sort of fear about it.  I think maybe I'm a little too comfortable with solitude.  Or maybe I just tell myself I am. 

I don't know.... I think I'm just thinking to much and should go to bed.  =)

#87 - Reconnect with Sam

No, this is not marked off the list. Because I didn't actually connect with him, but I did see him today.

I met Sam when I was 16 after I changed school my sophomore year. I had a huge crush on him - he had long hair, was a musician and very smart, plus he had started a student Christian group at school. I had a friend that had a crush on him too, and I got caught in the middle as her messenger. He was so sweet trying to let her down easily, and in the process Sam and I became best friends. We would talk on the phone all the time and write notes to each other. I still had my enormous crush on him, but that's just how my adolescence went - I'd like a guy and then we'd become best friends and, well, there goes that...

Sam cut his hair off the summer before his Senior year (he was a year older than me) and I cried.

He called me one night and out of the blue told me that he sometimes thought about asking me out on a date. But he didn't want to mess up our friendship (of course). I sat there in shock after he hung up. I called him back and told him he should ask me out. So he did. He was my first honest-to-God boyfriend.

Sam lived with his dad, step-mom, and sister. He rarely ever talked about his mother. All I knew is that she lived in New York. After we started going out, he would tell me more about his mother every day. Exactly one week after he asked me out, after one date to go watch Scent of a Woman, he wrote me the most heartbreaking and beautiful letter I have ever read to this day. He told me about his mother's death. He said, "sometimes I think I love you and I want to tell you." Then he broke up with me.

Of course, I was devastated, but Sam was more than some teenage crush come true. He was my best friend, so there was no way that I was going to let that week destroy the friendship we had. And I didn't.... we moved on like it never happened.

Part of me thinks maybe he asked me out so that he had someone close to him to talk about his mother with. That was honestly the only true difference in that week. We never even kissed.

After he graduated, we kept in touch, but he went through some strange changes for a while. We would lose touch for a while, then all of a sudden - there he is again. He got into Scientology for a while, he was pretty aimless, living with his grandmother and delivering pizzas... He was so bright that it's kind of a shame, but I should know better than anyone that sometimes good grades in school don't always translate into a stellar jet-setting career.

The last time I saw him was shortly after I met Bill, almost 8 years ago. He came over and played guitar for me. Bill was horribly jealous, but it just wasn't like that. I love Sam, but it's not like that anymore. I stopped thinking he was THE ONE in high school. I do love him, but it's as a friend and like a brother, not romantic at all. Sam called me shortly before Bill and I got married, he delivered a pizza to my sister a couple of years ago and hugged her and said to give it to me, and that's the last I've known of him...

Until today.

After work, I was feeling lazy and I didn't have the right shoes to workout, so I skipped the gym. I drove to the fabric store instead. It's on the other side of town and I rarely go over that way and the whole way kept telling myself I didn't really have time for this, but still went. I stopped at a red light and there he was, walking up the other side of the road. It's been almost 8 years, but there is no doubt in my mind that it was him. But there was nothing I could do about it. My window is stuck and I can't roll it down. Even if I could, I was at a red light that was about to change - it's not like we could have talked. I just stared at him as he went by - he never looked my way to see me. I felt like beating on the window and screaming "Sam! Sam! Over here!"

But I'm happy. I saw Sam. I know he's OK at least.

I really believe that there are people in your life that you will never be finished with. Sam is so woven through my life that I truly believe that I'll see and talk to him again. It may be a few months from now or years from now, but we will eventually reconnect.