Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Flattery and Fear

I had like a million things to do tonight.  The girls trashed the living room (what else is new?), there's laundry to be done (when isn't there?), I should have done some yoga or something.  But instead I ended up getting addicted to a show.  When the girls were winding down in bed, I thought I'd check out a show I queued on Netflix that I figured would be too short for running to, Wilfred.  Just one less-than-half-hour show while the girls found their way to dreamland.

Holy cow, that show cracks me up.  It's about a really depressed guy who tries to kill himself unsuccessfully and befriends his neighbor's dog, who looks like a guy in a ratty dog suit.  It has Elijah Wood in it, and I just think he's adorable.

I watched 5 episodes.  I tried to stop after 2, really, I did.  But it's so good.

Yeah, nothing got done tonight.  But I laughed.  

*warning... the show would probably be offensive to a lot of people.  I tend to find offensive things funny.  Sorry.


Let me tell you what happened to me today.  

I was at work and went into the nursing supervisor's office to get something and she stopped me to ask me a question.

She said she let her husband sign her up for a half-marathon (possibly the same one I'm doing, there aren't that many that happen around here) and asked ME how to train for it.

*jaw drop*

She had asked me before about running and I know my boss likes to tell people that I did a half-marathon all the time.  When she doesn't get mixed up and tell them I ran a triathlon.  Good grief, can you imagine?  I actually discovered earlier today that there's a duathon and a triathlon later this summer, but I neither bike nor swim, so I don't even know why I'm mentioning that.

Chocolate.  I had chocolate.  You'll have to forgive me.

I was really flattered that someone came to me for advice like that.  I don't really talk about stuff like that at work much, and only a handful of people at work are on my Facebook, and most of them are the type that just have to have everyone they have ever met as a friend so they barely notice my posts anyway, so I'm usually caught off guard by anyone there even knowing that I run now.

Then there was another thing that happened that made me think a little bit about something.  This is a little personal, but you know... the chocolate is making my fingers chatty I guess.

Bill had told me the other day that he and Zoe's teacher had talked about church, and told me not to be surprised if she asked me to go to church.  I don't usually go to church, for reasons.  I try not to get into religion here (or anywhere) so I'll leave it at that.  Well, today she actually did mention it.  Part of me feels like it's her way of trying to be able to see Zoe after this school year is over... she's been her teacher 2 years now and is really fond of her.  And then the thought that made me think..

"What if she's just trying to be your friend?"

I'm sure I've talked about this before, but it feels like the dumbest thing to say, but that kind of scares me.  Even with the nursing supervisor talking to me today, she's being friendly and, while feeling flattered, I felt like bolting out the door.

I don't have any really close friends.  I have a few people at work I would call a friend, but it rarely goes outside of work.  I have some old friends from school that I keep up with online now, but rarely see in person.  I have some good internet friends that I've never met.  Hell, for all intents and purposes, it's like all my friends are imaginary because without a computer they may as well not even exist.  Since cutting my two closest friends out of my life last year (and there were real reasons, not just this social anxiety I'm fessing up to), I really and truly have had ZERO social life outside of family.  I've gone through phases where I'll be "I need to get out there and make friends!" but I just can't do it.

I'm not having a pity party.  Most of the time I'm perfectly fine with it.  But I just don't understand it.  Why is it so difficult for me?  Am I just afraid of being used and hurt?  Am I just too lazy to put forth the effort?  I mean, it's really easy to not have friends.  Seriously.  No coordinating schedules when you want to do something, no trying to balance family/friend time.  Do I feel lonely sometimes?  Sure, but not as often as you'd think.  Is that wrong?  It does bother me that the idea of making a friend freaks me out.  I don't think I should have some sort of fear about it.  I think maybe I'm a little too comfortable with solitude.  Or maybe I just tell myself I am. 

I don't know.... I think I'm just thinking to much and should go to bed.  =)

1 comment:

  1. What you said about friends rings very true with me. I had friends at school who I've since lost touch with, and although I get on with most of my work colleagues, I'm not friends with them outside of work.

    Like you said, it's easy to not have friends, and most of the time I'm happy with being on my own/with family, but sometimes I think, if I didn't have my mum and my boyfriend, I'd have no one! Which is a bit of a scary thought!

    I think it's really difficult to make friends as you get older though, because most people are already in their friendship 'cliques' and it's difficult to join in, especially if you're shy and introverted, like I am.

    You wondered if you're afraid of being used and hurt? I think in my case it's definitely a self-esteem issue, I tend to think that nobody would really want to be friends with me because they'll probably find me a bit boring. So in a way, I don't make the effort with people, because what's the point?

    Not really a helpful comment I suppose, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone :-)



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