Run for Jacob

I woke up this morning and dragged myself out of the house against my own will. I didn't really want to walk, but I skipped my walk yesterday, so I really had to. 

My usual destination for my walks is the Big Dam Bridge. It was very foggy out this morning, and it was so eerie driving up to the bridge. Until I was very close, it looked like the bridge wasn't there, it was totally swallowed up by the fog.

There were many, many more people out on a cold foggy Sunday morning than usual. But today was a special day, the Run for Jacob. 

Jacob was the race director for the Three Bridges Marathon (3B26) and a huge part of the local running community. He went into cardiac arrest during a marathon last weekend and died earlier this week. Today was supposed to be the pre-run for 3B26, but turned into a memorial run for Jacob instead. 

I did not know Jacob, myself. I did read an article on him that talked about him cheering at the last race I did and I realized I actually remembered him. Out of all the supporters there, he stuck out to me.  He was out there cheering, calling us by the names on our bibs and offering high 5's.  By the time I pass people cheering, they've gotten a little tired and it often shows, but not him. He was well known as being an enthusiastic cheerleader for everyone, his high 5's, and for running shirtless more often than not. 

During my 7 mile walk, I always had at least one purple 3B26 race shirt in sight. There were far more shirtless men running than there normally would be on a very chilly morning. I was rarely alone on any part of the trail.  I thought it was great that so many people turned out to honor this guy. 

The best part though was the mood out there. Everyone is generally friendly on the trails anyway, but today it was just so much more so. Not just the normal nods or smiles in passing, but a lot of greetings, like everyone knew each other. A lot of random encouragements being tossed about. And high 5's.  I got 5 of them.  It sounds like such a simple, small gesture, but it doesn't feel that way at all.  It's encouragement, and, to me at least, acceptance. I'm not really a runner, but I'm still one of them. That's something that I haven't gotten used to yet.

Between the amazing beauty of the fog and autumn colors, and the beauty of the people out on the trails, this was much more than just a walk, it was a much needed boost to my spirit.

Thank you, Jacob.  I didn't know you, but you have touched me.

From distressed to amused

Thank you guys for all the support!   It's been a trying week. I don't like being in tense situations, so it's really been getting to me.

I hit a breaking point of sorts yesterday.  I had scheduled to take half a day off for a field trip with one of the girls. It was canceled due to rain, but I decided to take my time off anyway to avoid being around all the negativity. On my way out, I asked my boss if I could meet her at her other office to talk later (she is administrator over two offices, she spends the morning with us, then goes to the other).

I had decided to find another job.  I wanted to let my boss know, because I respect her and didn't want to blind side her.  I didn't want to do it at work because, well, I'll be honest... I was paranoid of my coworkers seeing us talking and then coming up with some wild story about what I'm up to (which is ironic considering what I'll tell you later).

I went home and worked on making a resume.  It was hard. LOL. 15 years in one place makes for a very short and sweet resume.   I did a job search and really didn't find anything. It was a bit discouraging, but a much needed reality check.  Then I just spent some quiet time thinking, waiting for my boss to get to the other office.

Long story short, she talked me down off the ledge.  She assured me that things would eventually get better and we just had a nice long talk. While I was there, since I had never been to that office she gave me a tour, introduced me to everyone, many of whom I've spoken to on the phone frequently but had never met face to face.

Today was a little better. I still got the cold shoulder from a lot of people but not as many. It gave me hope that the atmosphere may thaw out soon. I had a moment where I wanted to get really ugly and snarky, but I'm extremely non-confrontational and just couldn't.

See,  earlier this year, a coworker asked me to crochet a pair of dolls, Santa and Mrs. Claus.  I made Mrs Claus, but when I went to start Santa, the pattern designer had retired and deleted all her patterns.   It took me months to track down a copy, and by then I was in the midst of home buying and moving. She's been one of the most surprising and obvious ones who turned against me. Surprising because she was M & B's favorite target for mean pranks and ugliness. So, while it's surprising that she is being cold towards me,  it's not quite distressing because she's a bit of a difficult person to begin with.

Today, after a week of literally turning her back on me if I walked by, she decided to ask me about the Santa doll and if I'd get it finished before Christmas, and it wasn't just the fact that I'm irritated with her that pushed my button, but the way she asked. Very condescending. In my head, I said,  "I'm sorry. I've been so busy with my evil plots and trying to get people fired that I haven't been able to work on it. Now I have Christmases to ruin and old ladies to punch, so I don't think I'll be able to fit it in. "  But, instead, my blood pressure soared, making me barely able to sigh, "we'll see. "

Bill says I should be the bigger person and make the doll. I guess I need to go buy stuffing. Bah.

Anyway.... after I got home, something funny happened that I think will make things much better.

One of the ladies from my boss's other office came by and I guess she mentioned meeting me yesterday to someone, and that I had been given a tour. By the end of the day, this had grown into a big rumor that I went over there to tour because our surgery center is closing (and presumably my boss was giving me a job at the other office).  It's ABSOLUTELY and ridiculously untrue. But these drama queens took it and ran with it.  Finally, someone called my boss to get to the bottom of it.

I just have to laugh about it. I've gone from trying to get someone fired to be spiteful to being part of some secret plot where EVERYONE loses their job.

They also discussed the firing, and I'm really hoping that helps diffuse the situation. Maybe they'll see that it wasn't a case of me throwing a fit and my boss firing her to make me happy. I know probably nothing will fix things between B and myself, but she has been professional towards me when she has to talk to me, and I can live with that. Santa lady...  like I said, she has always rubbed me wrong.  I'll make the doll and be nice. But it won't be made with love. (Isabelle said I should make the doll for her so I enjoy doing it and then she'll sell it to the lady. She's quite clever.  And greedy, because she has no intention of giving me the money LOL)

Hated.

I'm a pariah.

Yep.  Persona non grata.

They ALL hate me. 

What happened? 

Remember these people?  My coworkers that make me want to just get up and walk off my job?  Of course, this has to do with them.

Everyone loves them, just like I did at first.  But while I am there to see their true colors, no one else is around enough to see them.  Remember that.

Thursday, I came in to work, and doing as I always do first thing in the morning, I took the day's schedule off of the clipboard to fax over to the hospital.  This was under the schedule....

 

I freaked out.  I knew exactly who put it on there, without a doubt.  Was it meant for me?  Well, who else takes the schedule off of the clipboard? No one but me until the end of the day.  I was very angry and very disturbed. 

My boss investigated.  The story that she was given was that M left it for B as a joke, because B had been sick and coughing all week.  M didn't think anyone else would see it.  It was a joke. 

Did I believe them?  I acknowledge that it very well may have been a joke like she said.  BUT, knowing the pranks they've pulled on other people... knowing how they talk.... I was still uneasy.  Plus, even if it was not meant for me, I found it.  I can't really put into words how upset I was upon finding that.  A simple "it wasn't for you" doesn't erase that.

My boss asked me what I wanted her to do.  I told her I would not work with them anymore, and I'd go home that day if I thought I had to come to work to them the next day.  Since M admitted to leaving the sign, M was fired. 

Part of me wishes I had just walked out. 

My boss tried to leave me out of it as far as anyone else knew.  She tried to say she found the picture.  But that just made things worse.  They all know I found it.  It looks like I just wanted to hide behind my boss and she fired M because I'm "boss's pet." 

They all loved M.  I get it.  She was funny, always laughing.  But they never realized how much of that laughter was at someone else's expense.  They didn't realize how shoddy a job she did at work (In 3 days, working just part-time on her job, I've already surpassed what she was doing full time).  The loved her, they're upset she's gone.

And they're all blaming me.  No one talks to me if they can avoid it.  They look away when I walk through the room.  I'm not making this up.  You'd think M was dead and I was holding the knife.

It bothers me.  I wish it didn't.  But it really, really does.  I've worked there 15 years.  I don't recall ever being some sort of trouble maker, running around getting my boss to fire people I don't like.  I'm an extreme introvert, but I'm not unfriendly.  It just really hurts my feelings that not one person has asked for my side of the story.  No one.  They just all assume I've overreacted over their "joke" or that I was just out to get M. 

It bothers me that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it either.  If I act upset, I'm just playing the victim.  If I ignore it all, I'm heartless. 

I just want to quit. 

I'm tired.  Like I said, 15 years.  And no one knows me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt that M's firing was justified.  Hell, right now, I wonder at times if I was in the wrong.  If I should have just let it slide.  Even the person that M bullied most of all has ostracized me... I don't get it. 

Maybe I am the terrible person. 

Soaring Wings Half Marathon 2014

It's been 6 months since my last race, and I'll admit that I was a little nervous about this one.  Lately, I've had problems with having really tight hips and getting very sore after walking.  I had decided to add yoga back into the mix, and after Monday night's class, I felt like I had brand new legs.  Awesome!

Then I walked on the treadmill Tuesday.  I think it needs some lube, it jerked funny a few times, and I felt like I had pulled something the next morning.  I spent the rest of the week doing all the stretches I could remember from Monday's yoga class that had made me feel better.  

 

I felt better when I woke up Saturday, so I headed off to the race.  But let's be honest, I'm such a bonehead that I probably would have attempted the race anyway.

Last year's Soaring Wings has remained my slowest race to date. The course is very hilly and I remembered that I didn't particularly enjoy it last year. I finished in 3:45, extremely sore and with horrible blisters.  Really, my only goal for this race was to not do worse.

It was a warm day, warmer than October should be, so I couldn't wear the race shirt, because it was long sleeved.  I felt bad for everyone who had... by the end of the race it was in the 80s.  I did have a jacket with me, but tied it around my waist before the race even started.  And that made me realize that if I have something around my waist, my lower back doesn't hurt at all when I walk.  I had heard during my Leslie Sansone Walk at Home videos that having a belt around your waist activates your core muscles simply by being there, but I really didn't buy into it (She sells them, so of course she's going to make them sound amazing).  It really does work, though.  My abs can attest to that today.  I need to get a hydration belt or something, simply to help with my back.  (And because I hate carrying water)

Honestly, the hills didn't bother me as much this year.  My normal training route has a few bridges on it, so I think I've come to terms with hills.  The course was pretty narrow in places, though, and we shared the road with traffic a lot.  When I had to pass a pair of walkers, I would be uncomfortably close to traffic.

PSA.... if you're racing with a pal, go single file when someone needs to pass.  Safety over companionship!

There were water stations every 1.5 miles.  Blessed water stations.  It was so warm out that I wished I had carried water.  I was usually parched by the next station.  They also had Gu, gummy bears, and fruit at the later stations.  

I realized yesterday that I truly love being in the back of the pack as a walker.  I'm not trying to trash all the fabulous fast runners in anyway, but I think the most inspiring people are at the end.  I read something the other week, and I'm slightly paraphrasing, but it went something like "First place is AMAZING, last place is INSPIRING".  There's always a run/walker who uses me as a cue to start running again.  There are older people showing that it's not too late to do something amazing.  Yesterday, I was following this one older lady... she caught my eye because I had never seen anyone with a walking skirt past their knees.  Her family was leap frogging along the course to encourage her, and she'd hug and cry every time she passed them.  It gave me a lump in my throat.  Half-marathons are obviously physically and mentally challenging, but most people don't realize how emotional they are. 

I don't think anything can beat RussVegas in terms of community support, but it was pretty good for this race.  There was a kid around mile 2 wearing a shirt that said Mile 9 that amused me.  A couple of clever signs like "Smile if you're not wearing any underwear."  I always love when little kids are out giving high fives, and there was a gentleman playing sax along the way.  I could tell in a few spots that people  had abandoned their cheering post, which is always disappointing.  And we were all amused by the fact that they left the Mile 4 sign up (the course looped through the same area twice at that point) when we were in the 12th mile.... the lady next to me said she'd quit if it was really just Mile 4.  I said I'd just lay down in the road right then and there.  =)

I was really surprised that for the first half of the race I kept a 15:00-15:15 pace.  That's faster than I normally train, but it's not unusual for my race pace to be faster than my training pace.  I push myself harder when I'm racing, not wanting to be passed by everyone.  LOL  But even as the crowd thinned and I didn't have people immediately around me, I kept that pace, which impressed me.  I did start slipping after the first half, though, but I realized if I could keep it under 16:00, I might just have a new PR.  To be honest, I never bothered looking up what I should shoot for to have a PR, because I didn't think it was possible considering last year.

My pace continued to slip as I neared the end, but I still felt pretty strong and didn't have as much as a hot spot on my feet, let alone blisters.  I mean, I didn't feel like I could walk miles and miles more, but I wasn't in pain.  

I crossed the finish line at 3:30.

That's 15 minutes faster than last year.  15 minutes!

That's also my new PR.

I went from this race being my worst to my best!  That's pretty exciting!  16:03 was my average pace.  I'm going to shoot to shave those 3 seconds off my next race in December.  =)

Coach Jen?

Isabelle asked me the other day if she could do the Little Rockers Marathon this year.  If you remember, we tried this last year.  The Little Rockers Marathon is a part of the Little Rock Marathon that I've done the past 2 years.  The kids walk or run a total of 25.2 miles over the weeks leading up to the marathon and then they all run the last mile together. 

Last year, Olivia and Isabelle freaked out at the start line for the last mile and left without finishing (or even starting).  It was just the two of them in a sea of strangers. I wasn't allowed to do it with them because only team leaders could be in with the kids, and my 2 didn't qualify as a team.  I understand their feelings, I hate crowds myself, but I was so disappointed that they did all that work and didn't get that medal at the finish line.

So, understandably, I was a little hesitant to tell Isabelle we'd give it another go.  Zoe's old enough to do it this year, so she'd have a partner (Olivia refuses to do it this year... she refuses to do anything that involves getting off the couch).  But I still am nervous that they will get too nervous to do the final mile.  An light bulb popped up over my head.... what if we had a team?  I'd only need 7 other kids to make up the 10 kids that would qualify us as a team (Olivia would have to do it by default... she would have to be there anyway).  I do love the idea of helping get kids more active.  The idea of being some sort of coach helping people get involved with walking has crossed my mind several times over the past few years.  So this is something I really feel led to do, I just haven't found the right opportunity yet.  I stewed on the idea for a while, and decided to test the waters a bit.

I sent a note to Isabelle's teacher (I know her best of all the teachers the girls have this year... it's our 3rd year with her), and explained what I'm thinking to get her opinion.  Offering the chance to be on the team to the kids in the school and meeting after school at the track to do our mileage.  I wanted to run it past a teacher before approaching the principal because I don't know all the rules involved with extra-curricular activities, and I hate making a fool out of myself.

Turns out, she loves the idea and said she'd bring it up to the principal next week.  I'll have to meet with him with all the actual details, I'm sure.  I'm kind of nervous about the idea... that it may really happen.  Me... coaching kids for a "marathon."

I'll keep you posted!

Double Up!

Half-marathon training is in progress for my 6th race on the 25th.  And starting this week, I start training for the New Year's Double.... which means racking up some serious mileage between now and then.



November and December are the same, but with higher mileage.  The plan for the Double thinks I can do 7 miles on a Tuesday... it's kind of unrealistic unless I take time off of work.  And I might, I really don't need much excuse lately.  It depends on how much vacation time I have left.  But otherwise, I only get about 2 hours a night without the kids and it would take all that to do 7 miles.  And I have other things that need to be done, so we'll just see how that works out.  I've always been really flexible on weekday mileage anyway.  As long as I get my long walks in and keep myself active, I think I'm good.



I have all my half-marathons planned out to reach my goal of 13 before I turn 40.  I'm registered for the next three already, and need to start socking away money for the rest.  It's not a cheap habit, I guess.  =)  Not to mention needing new shoes every so often, and good running shoes aren't cheap.  It's worth it though. 

We're getting settled in pretty well into the new house.  The girls love having more space, inside and out.  I haven't done a thing remodeling-wise yet, and I'm OK with that.  I feel at peace and I have time to take my time. 

Ollie has been a bit harder to settle in with.  I honestly didn't anticipate just how much having a puppy is like having a small child.  He has been so hard to house train.  It's been extremely frustrating.  He eats everything but dog food.  The cat's food, flip flops, pencils, paper, the gate I bought to try to keep him out of the kitchen because he's tall enough to reach the counter now.... and then, yesterday, this....


That would be the cord for my treadmill.  I had just plugged in it here at the new house for the very first time the night before.  I came home from work and found that and thought I was going to totally lose it.  I was literally minutes from loading Ollie up to take him to a shelter.  But my sister talked sense into me and brought me a bigger crate so that we crate him whenever we can't strictly supervise him.  I hate that he'll have to be in the crate as much as he will have to be with our schedules, but he's lucky he didn't electrocute himself, and it's for his safety as much as my sanity.  Last night was rough.  I had to sleep on the couch because he'd bark non-stop once I left him alone in the crate.  He'd hush if I was in the room.  So I didn't sleep well.  Hopefully he'll get used to it quickly and I can sleep in my bed again.

And Bill fixed the cord to the treadmill right away this morning.  My hero.

Is this hypocritical?

I can't stand my coworkers.

I know.  I used to love them to death.  They made me laugh, they were fabulous.  Then the new wore off and I realized that they're really mean and ugly people.  And they made me feel really mean and ugly, so I had to back away from that.  Now they irritate me beyond comprehension. 

They will be sweet as pie to your face and when you walk away, they say really nasty things about you.  I know, I hear it daily.  I don't know if they think I agree or if they forget I'm here, but they say the ugliest things about people that I've heard in a long, long time.  They have no respect for anyone.  It's been a long person since I've regularly heard someone use the word "retarded", so long that it got filed away in my head as something only ignorant people would still use as an insult.  I guess they're ignorant, because they use it daily. They're racist.  They made comments one day that they would never accept a mixed-race grandchild.  I just shook my head, and was told I'd feel differently if one of my girls came home with a black boy.  I can honestly say that no, I wouldn't.  I don't care who my girls bring home.... white, black, Asian, Hispanic, another girl, a nerd, a tattooed biker.... as long as they are treated with respect and are happy.  Period. 

These two are inseparable.  They act like the world has ended if their partner is absent.  They go to the cafeteria to get lunch together, even if one of them brings their lunch.  They can't stand being apart.  And, yes, I have considered that maybe I'm just jealous that they are such good friends and I'm not a part of that.  I really don't think so, but I'll just be fair enough to put that out there as the grain of salt that this post may be needed to be taken with. 

They spend the day laughing and talking and not getting very much done as a result.  They argue all sorts of reasons that their productivity is no where near as high as the people who have held their positions before.... OF COURSE it's not because they're too busy making fun of someone in the waiting room.  When they don't get things done, it falls to me to fix.  When I bring a problem they caused to their attention, it certainly can't be their fault.  Or they have never been told about that before (that's funny, when I remember telling them myself).  I can't stand people who don't take responsibility for their mistakes.  Just own up to it and resolve to do better.  That's all I want.  Not excuses. 

I may be technically their supervisor, but I have no real power.  And my boss is just now starting to see what I've been saying.  Unfortunately, she's not the firing type.   This will go on indefinitely, most likely.

I know I'm talking bad about them and all, and I guess that's hypocritical of me, but they make me crazy.

Crazy.

I've come very close to just leaving work early to not have to listen to them anymore.  How can people be so ugly?  So negative all the time?  They're immature.  And they're just not very intelligent.  I know.... that's not nice.  But some of the questions I've been asked, by these two who have worked in the medical field for years.... they were not in any danger of honor roll at school, I'm sure.

And you know, when someone just gets under your skin, almost every thing they do, every word they say, grates on your nerves.