Hated.

I'm a pariah.

Yep.  Persona non grata.

They ALL hate me. 

What happened? 

Remember these people?  My coworkers that make me want to just get up and walk off my job?  Of course, this has to do with them.

Everyone loves them, just like I did at first.  But while I am there to see their true colors, no one else is around enough to see them.  Remember that.

Thursday, I came in to work, and doing as I always do first thing in the morning, I took the day's schedule off of the clipboard to fax over to the hospital.  This was under the schedule....

 

I freaked out.  I knew exactly who put it on there, without a doubt.  Was it meant for me?  Well, who else takes the schedule off of the clipboard? No one but me until the end of the day.  I was very angry and very disturbed. 

My boss investigated.  The story that she was given was that M left it for B as a joke, because B had been sick and coughing all week.  M didn't think anyone else would see it.  It was a joke. 

Did I believe them?  I acknowledge that it very well may have been a joke like she said.  BUT, knowing the pranks they've pulled on other people... knowing how they talk.... I was still uneasy.  Plus, even if it was not meant for me, I found it.  I can't really put into words how upset I was upon finding that.  A simple "it wasn't for you" doesn't erase that.

My boss asked me what I wanted her to do.  I told her I would not work with them anymore, and I'd go home that day if I thought I had to come to work to them the next day.  Since M admitted to leaving the sign, M was fired. 

Part of me wishes I had just walked out. 

My boss tried to leave me out of it as far as anyone else knew.  She tried to say she found the picture.  But that just made things worse.  They all know I found it.  It looks like I just wanted to hide behind my boss and she fired M because I'm "boss's pet." 

They all loved M.  I get it.  She was funny, always laughing.  But they never realized how much of that laughter was at someone else's expense.  They didn't realize how shoddy a job she did at work (In 3 days, working just part-time on her job, I've already surpassed what she was doing full time).  The loved her, they're upset she's gone.

And they're all blaming me.  No one talks to me if they can avoid it.  They look away when I walk through the room.  I'm not making this up.  You'd think M was dead and I was holding the knife.

It bothers me.  I wish it didn't.  But it really, really does.  I've worked there 15 years.  I don't recall ever being some sort of trouble maker, running around getting my boss to fire people I don't like.  I'm an extreme introvert, but I'm not unfriendly.  It just really hurts my feelings that not one person has asked for my side of the story.  No one.  They just all assume I've overreacted over their "joke" or that I was just out to get M. 

It bothers me that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it either.  If I act upset, I'm just playing the victim.  If I ignore it all, I'm heartless. 

I just want to quit. 

I'm tired.  Like I said, 15 years.  And no one knows me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt that M's firing was justified.  Hell, right now, I wonder at times if I was in the wrong.  If I should have just let it slide.  Even the person that M bullied most of all has ostracized me... I don't get it. 

Maybe I am the terrible person.