Happy Thanksgiving!

The turkey is in the oven, pies are made, dressing in the crock pot.  My sister will be over soon to take care of the potatoes, mashed and sweet varieties. My parents are bringing rolls and green beans. Fruit salad and my first attempt at homemade cranberry sauce (with a couple of cans on the sideline just in case...).

Awesome family. Abundance of food. I'm beyond grateful for both, and so much more.

You guys included. Thank you for reading my babbling.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving.

ISO Motivation....

I'm such a slug.

So, I had to cancel my plans to do the New Years Double half-marathons at the end of the year.  Did I mention this?  It just was a bad time to travel, financially.  I really, really wanted to do these races, but it was coming down to spending Zoe's birthday with her or doing these races, because I'd have to go alone.  Of course, I picked my daughter.  And now I have zero motivation to get moving.  I have mentally given up at the moment.  I have a half on the schedule in two weeks, one that I registered for and skipped last year, and there's a big part of me that's just like "Forget it.  Forget next year.  Forget making your goal of 13 before 40.  Just forget it."  The weather has been crappy the past few Sundays, so I'm not getting my long walks in.... I messed up the treadmill trying to lube it and then jacked up the plug on it the same night.... And I'm TIRED.    I need to make myself move, I know I'll feel better, I just am having such a hard time getting there.

I have a huge mental block on this Santa doll.  I could have very easily finished it by now but I hate it.  I despise every minute I devote to it.  Extreme and stupid, I know.  I can't help it.  I just need to buckle down and finish it to be finished with it.  I have a lot of other projects I want to do, but won't let myself start until this is finished.  But even those aren't as exciting as they should be to me.  Once the girls go to bed, all I really feel like doing is curling up on the couch and watching American Horror Story. 

I know I am dealing with a bit of depression due to the season and just because I deal with it more often than not.  I'm trying to keep my head up, but trust me, if hibernation was an option, I'd be there.

I am really excited about the holidays, though.  Our first Christmas in our new house.  I've whitewashed our fireplace... my first home improvement project.  I wanted to get it done before decorating for Christmas.  I have so many plans in my head.  I have no idea what to get the girls for Christmas.  I had this whole thing planned out before cancelling our trip.  They wanted American Girl dolls, and we were going to Dallas where there is an American Girl store..... so I was really excited to get them each a doll and then tell them we could go to the AG store and they could take the dolls to the salon and all that jazz.....

But then, all of a sudden, they don't even want an AG doll anymore.  And then I canceled our trip.  So my entire plan is shot. 

Now they want phones.  I am of the school of thinking that if you are still young enough to believe in Santa, you're too young to be asking Santa to bring you a phone. 

Books and shoes.  That's what they'll be getting.  Books and shoes.

Ducks and Dodos

The other night, the doorbell rang.  I opened the door and a man and teenaged boy were outside.  The man asked if we would be willing to let him duck hunt on our property.  2 of our acres are in the "swamp" and it's basically prime duck hunting land back there.  His son had never been duck hunting and really wanted to go this year, but finding an area to duck hunt that doesn't cost an arm and a leg is hard to do.  He offered to pay us (didn't give a figure) and give us a duck or two if he's successful.  I told him I had to speak with Bill and I'd get back with him.

After some research and drawing up a Hold Harmless agreement so he can't sue us if he gets hurt on our property, we agreed to let him.  We had no clue what to charge him.  I had been told that we could potentially get THOUSANDS out of someone because we're so conveniently located and it's a great area to hunt.  In the end, Bill and the guy decided on $500.  $500.  I was shocked.  I've even had a few friends mention they might like to come out to hunt sometimes, too.  Maybe next year we'll be more prepared and can take better advantage of the situation and make a little more money.  I know it's risky letting people on our land, but the house has a security system and we have really good neighbors.  (In fact, this guy is actually considering buying the house next door to us, so he might be a neighbor soon, too.)

While we were thinking about letting this guy hunt on our land, I realized that I needed to talk to the girls about being safe outside during duck hunting season.  Because, even if we weren't going to let this guy hunt on our land, there is a camp set up on the neighbor's property and there will obviously be hunting in close proximity of our land.  I'm not super concerned about them getting shot.... the house isn't that close to the swamp and the girls can't fly (you can't shoot a sitting duck)... but they still need to exercise a bit of caution all the same.  I told them they're not allowed past the barn until the season is over.  Bill, believing in exercising a little more caution, bought them hunter's orange hats they have to wear outside if they're in the back yard.  I told him I'm going to write "NOT A DUCK" on all the hats.  (And he, in turn, told the hunter guy that if our kids are outside they'll have orange hats on that say "NOT A DUCK."  Dude probably thinks we're insane.)

He's still offering to give us ducks, too.  In all honesty, I've never eaten duck.  I've never been interested in eating duck.  I'm not an adventurous eater.  And if he hands me a dead duck, I may vomit.  I am dreading cooking a turkey for Thanksgiving because handling a turkey carcass grosses me out.  And they're mostly prepped for cooking before you bring them home.  What do I do with a freaking duck?  Isabelle would be traumatized for life.

He can keep the ducks.  Really.

This morning I get to take my Dodo to the ENT (ear, nose & throat) doctor.  She's failed 2 hearing tests at school, so we have to get a note from the doctor saying she's under medical care for it now.  She failed hearing screenings 2 years ago, too, when we were having her tested for speech therapy.  They put tubes in her ears then, which I thought was odd because she doesn't get chronic ear infections, but I'm obviously no doctor.  I wonder what the next course of action will be.  More tubes (the old ones fell out long ago)?  We'll see.  She's been sick with a sore throat the past few days, as well, so we'll just knock all of her problems out at once, I guess.  Poor kiddo.

Run for Jacob

I woke up this morning and dragged myself out of the house against my own will. I didn't really want to walk, but I skipped my walk yesterday, so I really had to. 

My usual destination for my walks is the Big Dam Bridge. It was very foggy out this morning, and it was so eerie driving up to the bridge. Until I was very close, it looked like the bridge wasn't there, it was totally swallowed up by the fog.

There were many, many more people out on a cold foggy Sunday morning than usual. But today was a special day, the Run for Jacob. 

Jacob was the race director for the Three Bridges Marathon (3B26) and a huge part of the local running community. He went into cardiac arrest during a marathon last weekend and died earlier this week. Today was supposed to be the pre-run for 3B26, but turned into a memorial run for Jacob instead. 

I did not know Jacob, myself. I did read an article on him that talked about him cheering at the last race I did and I realized I actually remembered him. Out of all the supporters there, he stuck out to me.  He was out there cheering, calling us by the names on our bibs and offering high 5's.  By the time I pass people cheering, they've gotten a little tired and it often shows, but not him. He was well known as being an enthusiastic cheerleader for everyone, his high 5's, and for running shirtless more often than not. 

During my 7 mile walk, I always had at least one purple 3B26 race shirt in sight. There were far more shirtless men running than there normally would be on a very chilly morning. I was rarely alone on any part of the trail.  I thought it was great that so many people turned out to honor this guy. 

The best part though was the mood out there. Everyone is generally friendly on the trails anyway, but today it was just so much more so. Not just the normal nods or smiles in passing, but a lot of greetings, like everyone knew each other. A lot of random encouragements being tossed about. And high 5's.  I got 5 of them.  It sounds like such a simple, small gesture, but it doesn't feel that way at all.  It's encouragement, and, to me at least, acceptance. I'm not really a runner, but I'm still one of them. That's something that I haven't gotten used to yet.

Between the amazing beauty of the fog and autumn colors, and the beauty of the people out on the trails, this was much more than just a walk, it was a much needed boost to my spirit.

Thank you, Jacob.  I didn't know you, but you have touched me.

From distressed to amused

Thank you guys for all the support!   It's been a trying week. I don't like being in tense situations, so it's really been getting to me.

I hit a breaking point of sorts yesterday.  I had scheduled to take half a day off for a field trip with one of the girls. It was canceled due to rain, but I decided to take my time off anyway to avoid being around all the negativity. On my way out, I asked my boss if I could meet her at her other office to talk later (she is administrator over two offices, she spends the morning with us, then goes to the other).

I had decided to find another job.  I wanted to let my boss know, because I respect her and didn't want to blind side her.  I didn't want to do it at work because, well, I'll be honest... I was paranoid of my coworkers seeing us talking and then coming up with some wild story about what I'm up to (which is ironic considering what I'll tell you later).

I went home and worked on making a resume.  It was hard. LOL. 15 years in one place makes for a very short and sweet resume.   I did a job search and really didn't find anything. It was a bit discouraging, but a much needed reality check.  Then I just spent some quiet time thinking, waiting for my boss to get to the other office.

Long story short, she talked me down off the ledge.  She assured me that things would eventually get better and we just had a nice long talk. While I was there, since I had never been to that office she gave me a tour, introduced me to everyone, many of whom I've spoken to on the phone frequently but had never met face to face.

Today was a little better. I still got the cold shoulder from a lot of people but not as many. It gave me hope that the atmosphere may thaw out soon. I had a moment where I wanted to get really ugly and snarky, but I'm extremely non-confrontational and just couldn't.

See,  earlier this year, a coworker asked me to crochet a pair of dolls, Santa and Mrs. Claus.  I made Mrs Claus, but when I went to start Santa, the pattern designer had retired and deleted all her patterns.   It took me months to track down a copy, and by then I was in the midst of home buying and moving. She's been one of the most surprising and obvious ones who turned against me. Surprising because she was M & B's favorite target for mean pranks and ugliness. So, while it's surprising that she is being cold towards me,  it's not quite distressing because she's a bit of a difficult person to begin with.

Today, after a week of literally turning her back on me if I walked by, she decided to ask me about the Santa doll and if I'd get it finished before Christmas, and it wasn't just the fact that I'm irritated with her that pushed my button, but the way she asked. Very condescending. In my head, I said,  "I'm sorry. I've been so busy with my evil plots and trying to get people fired that I haven't been able to work on it. Now I have Christmases to ruin and old ladies to punch, so I don't think I'll be able to fit it in. "  But, instead, my blood pressure soared, making me barely able to sigh, "we'll see. "

Bill says I should be the bigger person and make the doll. I guess I need to go buy stuffing. Bah.

Anyway.... after I got home, something funny happened that I think will make things much better.

One of the ladies from my boss's other office came by and I guess she mentioned meeting me yesterday to someone, and that I had been given a tour. By the end of the day, this had grown into a big rumor that I went over there to tour because our surgery center is closing (and presumably my boss was giving me a job at the other office).  It's ABSOLUTELY and ridiculously untrue. But these drama queens took it and ran with it.  Finally, someone called my boss to get to the bottom of it.

I just have to laugh about it. I've gone from trying to get someone fired to be spiteful to being part of some secret plot where EVERYONE loses their job.

They also discussed the firing, and I'm really hoping that helps diffuse the situation. Maybe they'll see that it wasn't a case of me throwing a fit and my boss firing her to make me happy. I know probably nothing will fix things between B and myself, but she has been professional towards me when she has to talk to me, and I can live with that. Santa lady...  like I said, she has always rubbed me wrong.  I'll make the doll and be nice. But it won't be made with love. (Isabelle said I should make the doll for her so I enjoy doing it and then she'll sell it to the lady. She's quite clever.  And greedy, because she has no intention of giving me the money LOL)

Hated.

I'm a pariah.

Yep.  Persona non grata.

They ALL hate me. 

What happened? 

Remember these people?  My coworkers that make me want to just get up and walk off my job?  Of course, this has to do with them.

Everyone loves them, just like I did at first.  But while I am there to see their true colors, no one else is around enough to see them.  Remember that.

Thursday, I came in to work, and doing as I always do first thing in the morning, I took the day's schedule off of the clipboard to fax over to the hospital.  This was under the schedule....

 

I freaked out.  I knew exactly who put it on there, without a doubt.  Was it meant for me?  Well, who else takes the schedule off of the clipboard? No one but me until the end of the day.  I was very angry and very disturbed. 

My boss investigated.  The story that she was given was that M left it for B as a joke, because B had been sick and coughing all week.  M didn't think anyone else would see it.  It was a joke. 

Did I believe them?  I acknowledge that it very well may have been a joke like she said.  BUT, knowing the pranks they've pulled on other people... knowing how they talk.... I was still uneasy.  Plus, even if it was not meant for me, I found it.  I can't really put into words how upset I was upon finding that.  A simple "it wasn't for you" doesn't erase that.

My boss asked me what I wanted her to do.  I told her I would not work with them anymore, and I'd go home that day if I thought I had to come to work to them the next day.  Since M admitted to leaving the sign, M was fired. 

Part of me wishes I had just walked out. 

My boss tried to leave me out of it as far as anyone else knew.  She tried to say she found the picture.  But that just made things worse.  They all know I found it.  It looks like I just wanted to hide behind my boss and she fired M because I'm "boss's pet." 

They all loved M.  I get it.  She was funny, always laughing.  But they never realized how much of that laughter was at someone else's expense.  They didn't realize how shoddy a job she did at work (In 3 days, working just part-time on her job, I've already surpassed what she was doing full time).  The loved her, they're upset she's gone.

And they're all blaming me.  No one talks to me if they can avoid it.  They look away when I walk through the room.  I'm not making this up.  You'd think M was dead and I was holding the knife.

It bothers me.  I wish it didn't.  But it really, really does.  I've worked there 15 years.  I don't recall ever being some sort of trouble maker, running around getting my boss to fire people I don't like.  I'm an extreme introvert, but I'm not unfriendly.  It just really hurts my feelings that not one person has asked for my side of the story.  No one.  They just all assume I've overreacted over their "joke" or that I was just out to get M. 

It bothers me that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it either.  If I act upset, I'm just playing the victim.  If I ignore it all, I'm heartless. 

I just want to quit. 

I'm tired.  Like I said, 15 years.  And no one knows me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt that M's firing was justified.  Hell, right now, I wonder at times if I was in the wrong.  If I should have just let it slide.  Even the person that M bullied most of all has ostracized me... I don't get it. 

Maybe I am the terrible person.