Happy Leap Day!

This year is zooming by too quickly.

This past week, I finished 2 projects.

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 23, 2016 at 7:36pm PST

A pillow for my sister's new bedroom.  I have another pillow to make for her as well.  I just have ADD with my crocheting and seem to have to work on 2 or 3 projects at a time, so it takes a while to finish anything unless I'm freaking out excited about it.

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 28, 2016 at 11:48am PST

And my fancy yarn shawl.  I haven't blocked it yet, and really can't think of why I really need a shawl, but it's finished and it's pretty.  And Izzy is probably the coolest 9 year old I know.  I wish I were as cool as Izzy.

I'm very frustrated with myself.  I've been so lazy lately.  I have all these intentions.... I need to do yoga Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday.... Walk at home video Monday and Wednesday.... go on my long walks Saturday and Sunday morning.  But the time comes and I am too tired, or want to sleep in or need to finish this thing or another up.  Tomorrow I'll be back on track.  Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.  And I tell myself to sit down and plan out a better plan for meals for the next week and then, all of a sudden, it's Saturday and time to go grocery shopping and I have no plan and no time to do much more than slap together a list of the usual stuff.

I have to do it though.  If I don't, in April, when my A1C hasn't come back down, he's going to jack up my insulin, and that shtuff is ridiculously expensive.  Not to mention all the admittedly more important reasons of, you know, my health and all that.

I know I need to do these things.  I know exactly what to do.  It's not a matter of ignorance.  I just don't do it and I can't explain it.  It's so incredibly frustrating.  I should be kicking ass.... I've done it before.  I think back to when I was losing weight before and try to think of why I could do it then, but not now.  What was the difference?

In December, when the doctor put me on antidepressants, he suggested that I go to counselling, and maybe he's right.  Maybe I could figure out where that switch is and turn it back on.

I'm also very jealous....  I have followed the Do Life. page on Facebook for a while.  Ben was quiet for a while because he gained a lot of weight back, but he's back at it and now he's started an enormous adventure:  walking across the country.  Last year, I followed a guy named Ryan Ray as he did the same thing.  I just think that has to be the absolute coolest thing ever.  I would do that in a heartbeat.  But, of course, it's easier for guys to do things like that.  They don't face the same dangers that I, as a woman, would.  They have a far easier time peeing on the side of the road.  They don't have a period to deal with every month.  Or maybe I'm just looking for reasons why I couldn't do it, because it's such a monumental task.  I mean, I couldn't do it for quite a few years... I couldn't be away from my kids for months on end until they're much, much older, obviously, but still.... it would be amazing.

Tiny Al

I couldn't sleep last night.  Up every hour, hour and a half.  I finally realized about 2am that I was just too warm to sleep.  I normally close the vent in our bedroom off when the heat is on because it gets too hot in there.  Well, it's been unseasonably warm and we actually have had the air conditioner on the past few days, but the vent in my bedroom is still closed.  So I'm dragging today.  Utterly exhausted.  I hate it.

There are these little toys that the girls go nuts over.... it's a plastic egg, like you get at Easter, covered in chocolate.  They used to watch Youtube videos all the time of people opening these kinds of things all the time.  I won't buy them (because I'm one of those terrible parents that doesn't indulge every one of my childrens' whims), but they saved up a little bit of money and bought some on their own.  Inside one of them was a tiny plastic alpaca.  I adore alpacas... I wouldn't mind at all if Bill turned his dairy farm dream into an alpaca farm (I'd prefer it, to be honest).  So, my sweet Izzy gave me the little toy.

Izzy got a toy alpaca as some prize in something or other. She gave it to me. I guess Tiny Al Pacacino will have to do until I can talk Bill into getting me a real one.

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 14, 2016 at 8:07pm PST

She even clipped a little bit of yarn I had been using and give it a little scarf.  I named him Tiny Al Pacacino and he goes places with me.  It's become a silly little thing that seems to amuse my friends and family on Facebook.

Tiny Al Pacacino chilling by the pool. #tinyalpacacino

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 19, 2016 at 4:38pm PST

That's an indoor pool, by the way.  It's unseasonably warm, but not pool weather.  We were just fortunate to have a friend in town staying at a hotel with a pool.  Her boyfriend was with her and my kids asked them when they're getting married.  She told them they weren't even engaged, so my kids said "Why haven't you engaged her yet?"  And he did!  I don't know that my kids had anything to do with it, but by the time they left to go home, they were engaged.  So sweet.

The ball is shrinking as the shawl is growing. I'm just feeling really cranky today.  I want to put my PJs on and crawl into a tote full of yarn and hide. #crochet #crochetersofinstagram

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 18, 2016 at 2:29pm PST

Other than that, all I've done is listen to audiobooks and crochet.  Seriously lazy the past week.  I didn't even do my yoga and I can feel it, so I have to get back to that today.  I listened to A Clockwork Orange.  I have never seen the movie and I didn't really know much about it.  I spent the first few chapters trying to figure out what all the made up language was.  You can still get a picture of what is going on, even with all these strange words being thrown around, but it does take a while for it all to click and you to know exactly what he's saying.  (There is an online dictionary, believe it or not.  I looked it over a few times to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting things)  I LOVED the book.  I really did.  And the audiobook performance was just fantastic.  It was fun to listen to.  But now I have all these nonsense words bumping around my brain.  Do you ever get words stuck in your head like a song?  It's like that.

No Mama. You may not crochet tonight. You must love me. But not right now. OK, now.  Oh, too late. Why aren't you petting me? #bratcat

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 19, 2016 at 8:54pm PST

Hopefully I can be more productive this week.  Although a nap sounds glorious right now....

It was just a dream

I had a dream about you last night.  A dream where you admitted your mistakes and wrapped me up tight in your arms. I was happy.  I knew I shouldn't be, but I accepted it and sighed a long sigh of relief.  It felt good and safe in your embrace, like it always did.  Warm, soft, sweet.  Like I've never felt before or since.  It felt just so right in my dream, and I loved you.

But now I'm awake.  And I fucking hate you.

I want to tell you that.  In no uncertain terms.  You're evil and I wish I could scrub you from my mind.  You used me and thought you could keep me in your back pocket to toy with on occasion, when it suited you.  You warped my mind, made me justify things I knew were wrong, but - Goddamn it, why can't *I* be happy for once?  Every time I would almost come to my senses, you'd blow gently on my face and I'd drift back off, anesthetized to the wrong-ness of it all.

Oh, but you neglected me just a little bit too long and I did wake up.  I woke up and realized I was such a fool for letting you play me like a marionette.  I woke up and could see how frayed the strings were connecting me to all that should really be precious in my life.  Everything was so close to falling apart and I had refused to see that.

I should hate myself for falling for your lies, but I have to live with myself so I pour it all into you.  And her.  Because she did it again to me.  I know why you chose her.  She's more pliable.  Look at what she gave up for you.  Look at how she changed for you.  Look at how she's morphed from one relationship to the next, always becoming exactly what they wanted.  And of course, she's just so beautiful.  I've never been competition, really.  I've never been as tall, as thin, as blonde.  Once she came into the picture, I should have known.

I saw that I was, yet again, the stepping stool to get close to her.  Maybe I shouldn't blame her.  She was manipulated, too.  But I do.  I blame her so much that even in my dreams, when I can't hate you, I do still loathe her.  She betrayed me again.  Knowing my heart, for the second time, she took what I saw as mine.  Because she deserved it.  She was so miserable, why can't I be happy for the two of you?  You didn't mean for it to happen, but you sure flaunted it in my face.  You sure let me be close enough for the utter explosion you caused in your lives to burn me, to leave so much of ME in ashes.  Hurt and terrified of losing the people I held dearest to me, I watched for years, in agony, as you loved each other.  With a secretive wink in my direction here and there.... "I do love you, I really do, but I LOVE her, I can't help it."

But you never really loved me.  And I finally, after so long... so many nights awake wondering why I still held on to it... I let go.  I braced myself for the backlash, because - of course - I was the bad guy for walking away.  I was a bad friend.  Me.  I was the bad friend.  Isn't that funny?

So I stuff the memories away in my mind.  Bury it under all the other embarrassing, juvenile bullshit of my youth.  I don't want to think about it.  I tell myself  the past is the past.  I've even managed to be able to brush you off when you inevitably pop up now and then, to remind me that you're still there, still "loving" me. But my dreams... I still fall for you in my dreams and it makes me hate you that much more.  Under this shell I've built around me, the one that has made it all but impossible to let anyone completely in, under all determination that no one, least of all you, will hurt me again.... underneath everything, in my sleep, I love you.  And I hate you for that.

I guess I need a title....

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 10, 2016 at 5:18pm PST

Hey, look!  I crocheted!  One of our doctors at work revealed that his wife is expecting a baby basically any day now, and once everyone got over the shock that he kept that a secret, they planned a baby shower.  I was feeling the need to crochet, so I took the opportunity to make some tiny baby things.  A little hat with a daisy and a probably too small blanket.  I didn't get to be here for the shower, but I was told it was a hit.

Now the spark has been reignited.  I just want to crochet.  My younger sister recently bought a house, and I'm going to crochet a couple of throw pillows for her bed as a housewarming gift.  We picked out a color scheme and a couple of 12" squares to turn into pillows.  I'm so freaking excited.  I'm waiting on the yarn to arrive.  Tomorrow....  Then I'm dreaming about my next project... maybe Sophie's Universe or Rings of Change (I'm in a mandala mood, obviously).  But I have 2 major projects I need to finish (while I save my pennies for all the yarn either of those projects will need), my Matelesse that's about 3/4 finished and my Artfully Simple Angled Scarf, which I'm making more of a wrap.  But yes, I'm drooling over my crochet Pinterest boards, wishing I could just ignore all my responsibilities and make pretty things.

I'm 6 books into my goal for the year, too, which is pretty ahead of schedule.  I finished The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood.  Not bad, not the best, though.  It's pretty much about how powerful sex can be.  I also reread Lisey's Story by Stephen King, which is one of my all time favorite, if not THE favorite, books.  I can't really tell you exactly what it is about the story, but I cried when I finished simply because it was over and I didn't want it to be.  It's just beautiful.  If you've ever wanted to read a King book, but don't like horror novels, read this.  It's a love story.  I just adore it.

And that's about all I have for now.  Have a fabulous weekend!

DDP Yoga Week 1

I've been doing DDP Yoga for a little over a week now.  I thought I'd give you guys some of my first impressions.

First of all, the packaging involved is very minimal - it comes in a large envelope, not a box.  Which is fine with me, really.  He has a few options when you're buying the program, and I believe I got the biggest.  There are 5 DVDs in my package, the guide, and a big poster with his "Diamond Dozen" moves.  There are 3-4 different workouts per DVD... way more than are included in the actual 13 week program, so you have plenty of extras there.  In addition to the workouts on the schedule, he has a short video on breathing, a morning yoga sequence, a couple of kids workouts (he pulls no punches with the kids....it's the same yoga, just smaller people), and some more advanced workouts.

The program is 13 weeks long, and there are 3 options... beginner, experienced, and advanced.  The beginner version has you progressing through the videos more slowly, 3 sessions a week with a 4th optional workout in the latter weeks.  Experienced progresses more quickly through the different workouts, 4 times a week with a 5th optional, and Advanced is 5 times a week, 6th optional. I do have some yoga experience, but I started with Beginner and my plan is to go through each level.

So far, all I've done is the Diamond Dozen tutorial and Energy.  The DD tutorial isn't really a workout, it's just teaching  you the different moves and modifications.  I broke a sweat doing it, but that might be more a testament of how out of shape I am right now rather than the workout itself.  Energy is a 20 minute workout.  Every time I've done it, by the time I think to see how much longer I have left, it's almost over.  It goes very quickly.

I'm not a yoga expert by any means, but from what I can tell from previous yoga classes, he's doing everything right.  He has renamed several poses, to sound more "manly" I suspect.  Child's pose is "safety zone", upward salute is "Touchdown".... you get the idea.  He focuses on Dynamic Resistance, tensing your muscles while moving to create your own resistance.  He's very big on modifications... this was designed to be usable by people with serious limitations as well as people who are fit.  He explains in the guide his own journey and I really could tell that he has a heart for helping people.  His website has a lot of testimonials, some incredibly amazing and inspirational, but he emphasizes that you aren't going to have some miraculous transformation unless you put in the work required for a miraculous transformation.  You get out what you put in. 

Personality-wise... I love DDP.  I like his style, but I can see how some people might not really get into him.  He is a little playful but not in a silly, goofy (Tony Horton) kind of way.  He just seems like a really cool guy, like you'd go kick back and have a beer with him after yoga.  And he has that raspy "I shredded my vocal cords when I was young" voice.

The guide has a nutrition part, but I haven't really gotten into that all that much - because food is my downfall and I'm having trouble mentally getting into it.  But it also has 3 levels. I'm going on memory here, but I think I remember the guidelines...  Level 1 is basically eating clean.  Cutting out processed foods and sugar.  Level 2 is cutting out dairy and gluten, and Level 3 is going organic and adding juicing.  He doesn't emphasize eating "low fat", which I appreciate.  No egg-white omelets or low fat cheese suggestions.  I don't really have a problem with his guidelines, although I'm not anti-dairy/gluten by any means.  The only criteria for what level you do is what kind of results you want.  He feels the you'll get faster/better results on Level 3 vs Level 1, but I do like that he doesn't just lay out one set of unobtainable eating goals.  I do intend to sit down and plan out a menu for myself, but like I said, food is my problem child and I haven't broken through that wall just yet.

I'll give more updates as things progress and I have something to report.  =)

My Izzybelle

My life has been very concentrated on Isabelle the past few months, with her stomach issues, and school issues, and just the fact that she thrives on attention and demands it constantly anyway.  I feel badly at times about it... Olivia and Zoe seem to take a backseat so often.  They don't complain or act up to refocus me onto them, though, so I assume they're not suffering for it.

Online schooling was a bust.  I could write a really long post about it, but I'm over it.  I feel a little mislead by the school (seems to be happening a lot, maybe it's my comprehension skills, I just don't know anymore) but aside from that, I just couldn't squeeze 6 hours of school work a day into my life. So, after a long, tearful discussion that left me feeling like a complete heel when she said she'd go back to school because she wanted ME to be happy (and not in a sarcastic way, she was being sincere), we enrolled Isabelle into the elementary school we're zoned for (not the charter school).

She was so scared.  She hadn't seriously complained about her stomach hurting much since leaving the charter school.  But immediately, that weekend before school started, she was curled up crying.  It's anxiety.... I know that's the root of it.  I just didn't know what else to do. We talked and talked.  She told me she was too shy, she'd never make any friends.  I told her to just be herself, people will come to her because she's Isabelle and Isabelle is awesome.  She wasn't convinced.

So I sent her off to school last Monday.  And this is what I brought home:

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 1, 2016 at 6:05pm PST

She made a friend.  =)  The week was exhausting, and I had forgotten how cranky that child can be when she's tired.  But she's happy otherwise. 

*****

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 6, 2016 at 7:43pm PST

I'm working on a little bitty baby blanket for a baby shower at work.  It seems impossibly small.  I think it actually will be a few inches shy of the recommended dimensions for a baby blanket, but I'm not frogging it.  I have to  have it finished by Thursday, so it's be a tad small or be a tad not done.  There's a teeny, tiny hat, too.  Same colors... a green hat with a daisy.  Baby stuff is so cute.

I'm feeling like the crochet bug  has reinfected me.... finally.  I have plans after this to make some pillows for my sister to celebrate her new house they just bought.  We've picked out colors and granny squares for me to work with.  I'm actually antsy to start.  

*****

A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock (@justjennifer75) on Feb 6, 2016 at 3:39pm PST

We spend Saturday afternoon wandering Hot Springs, walking the Promenade and a trail up the mountain, then visiting rock shops.  I took this picture and have been told Zoe's my mini-me.  I don't normally see that, because she totally looks like Bill as a little boy, but in this picture...yes, I can see it. 

It was a beautiful day.  This winter has been so mild and I've loved it.  I don't mind winter, I'll take cold over hot any day, but I won't complain that it's not freezing outside.  I do worry that a warmer than usual winter will lead to a warmer than usual summer, and that will NOT be good.  I'll just enjoy it while it lasts, I guess, and deal with the heat when and if it arrives.