Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Crying Uncle or something like that

It's something that has been on my mind for a while now and I've been trying to resist. I've been trying to avoid this for 10 years. But last night, after literally standing in the hallway and screaming, scaring the hell out of my child, for nothing that even remotely called for a reaction of such magnitude, I decided it's time to give in. I have to go upstairs today to take a check to my doctor for the copay they forgot to collect last time I was there, and while I'm there I'm making an appointment. He's going to put me on antidepressants or I'll find someone else who will.

I used to take Zoloft, once upon a time. Then I decided not to, that I could and would handle it on my own. And I still believe it's possible for me to do so, just not right now. Not with everything on my plate. I can't get a grip on everything. It's just not working.

I'm not suicidal nor do I want to hurt myself... nothing that dramatic. But I could totally see myself walking away from everything. And that's just not right. I have the attitude of "I don't care" about everything. I can't get motivated to do anything. I try. But when it comes down to it, I'd rather find some way to escape. So I read. I spend way too much time on the computer. I'd love to just go hide under the covers, but there are 3 little people who kind of depend on me to keep them from climbing the curtains and hurting themselves. The sad thing is, I can't really deal with them. My fuse is so short it's nonexistant. My kids will end up traumatized because Mommy just blows up over stupid stuff. I try. God knows I start every day with the intention of being a good mom and having a good day with them but I feel like I get to the point where I have to either shut down and let them run crazy or I'm going to be stomping around spitting fire and screaming.

I just want my husband to leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't touch me.

I don't want to look at the bank account, even though it's not in bad shape and I need to start working on budgetting so that we can save up for a down payment for a house.

I don't want to clean. I'm even to the point that I don't even care if the house is a disaster when the landlord comes over.

I don't really care about work. Hell, I'm typing this at work. I'd stare at the wall if I had to to try to escape for a few minutes.

I'm in a horrible cycle right now with trying to lose weight. I'm an emotional eater. I tell myself I need to start eating better, I don't see results I get frustrated, I eat, I get pissed off at myself, I eat, I really get frustrated... I used to be able to pump myself while I worked out and now I'm just barely making it through.

Honestly, I don't expect to take something and be running-through-a-meadow-of-wildflowers happy. I just need to care. I just need a little boost so I can pull myself the rest of the way up. My friend once told me that antidepressants are a crutch. Well, I need a crutch. I need something.


  1. Better to have a crutch to hold you up than to spend life falling on your face in the mud. It's an incredible thing to see you confess it so rawly and openly. Wish I had your courage friend.

  2. Sarah said it perfectly, very courageous for being so open and raw ! I've been to some of the points you've described too....over reacting, making mountains out of mole hills...the fact that you recognize this is a step in the right direction....That was my first step anyway! And realizing that I could be that good mom if I took care of myself first ! I thought that was the dumbbest and most selfish advice I'd ever gotten, but what a difference it has made for me and for my family when I listened to it ! Take care of yourself Jen in whatever way you think is best....goals have been a huge source of satisfaction for me too!



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