Dear Sally

Sally, I wanted to respond to your comment on my last blog and since you post anonymously, if I reply to it, you wouldn't receive any notification.  I hope you don't mind me doing it publicly.

I have to admit, I was shocked at first.  Not because I thought you were wrong for what you said.  Because I whole-heartedly agree with everything you said.  But because I guess I try not to show things like that a lot and didn't realize I let that much of it show.

I've never been all that strict as far as discipline goes, but this past year things have definitely spun out of control.  So many things have spun out of control over the past year.  I needed help long before I sought it, and it's going to take me a very long time and it's going to take a lot of hard work and probably a lot of frustration and tears along the way but I will regain control.

I take full responsibility for how they act.... I know I should lay some of it on my husband, but with our work schedules, he's really not around much (which is a big problem in and of itself, but not one that will be resolved any time soon).  There have been many days that the absolute best I could give was my physical presence.  I've not been mentally or emotionally available so much lately to be a good mother.  I was just a body sitting in a chair, if they were lucky... sometimes I'd be laying in bed.  There were many times they'd get what they wanted just so that I didn't have to fight because there wasn't any fight in me.  And Today Me, looking back, feels AWFUL about that.  I don't want my kids to remember that about me.

My husband..... I have many mixed feelings where he is concerned.  He might go to counselling if I gave him an ultimatum, but he would never go willingly.  He's an ass, and when I'm in a good mood, I'll call him out on it and he thinks it's all in fun. When I'm not in a good mood, he doesn't understand why I don't find it funny anymore. I don't know if he just doesn't know when to draw the line or what.  I don't want to make excuses for him though.  Like I said.. mixed feelings.

And finally, rest assured.... I'm not taking this medication trying to lose weight. Losing weight is not really even something I'm worried about right at the moment.  If I do lose weight taking this, great, but I'm far more concerned with getting my physical and emotional health back on track right now.  I think my melt down the other day was due to hormones, not the medication.  Sodas taste awful and I have noticed I really don't crave sugar, which is actually a blessing because it's made it so much easier to avoid snacking at night and my fasting blood sugars have been beautiful.  But ultimately, the hope is that it will even out my moods.  Anything else is just a bonus.

I really appreciate your concern, and I assure you that I am taking care of me.  =)