Rise above this

Long distance day... 7 miles.  I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that I wasn't going to run it.  I walked it all.  I felt like gravity had way too much of a hold on me today.  It's mental, I know.  I've felt very weighed down this week.  I knew I needed the time to think, and I don't really think much when I run.  Which isn't bad, sometimes I need to not think.  But I wanted to think today.

Plus, I haven't run since last Sunday and I knew I'd be sooooo sore tomorrow if I did run today.  I really need to stop my summer slacker routine.

It was a good walk, up until the last mile and a half when the sun was just beating down on me.  I took one of my favorite routes, and a good part of it is wooded, and it felt awesome in the woods.  It rained last night, so it was cool and damp.  But walking back across the bridge, I felt like I was baking.  Summer.  Blech.

I took a nap when I got home.  I had to sneak that in.  It seems like every Sunday, I go to take a nap and my husband follows me in the room to harass me (good-natured harassment) and then HE falls asleep.  So, today, after he got up from HIS nap, I disappeared very quietly and took my own nap for once.  Weird dreams, though.  Very weird.  I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately.  I went through a long spell of not remembering my dreams, but lately, they're back with a vengeance.

When I got up, I went to work on my project for the day.  I had this urge to bake bread the other day.  But I didn't have any flour in the house and I didn't have a loaf pan.  So I bought both yesterday.  I used this recipe. Isabelle helped me knead it, and she thought it was so amazing how big it got when it was rising.  



I must say that I'm impressed with myself.  That's the first loaf of bread I've ever baked.  And it's perfect.  I toasted a slice earlier and put butter and strawberry preserves on it.  So good.

So, this past week, I got a message from a friend I haven't been on speaking terms with.  I've really struggled with this.  As time passed, I felt like our friendship had been so fake, like I had just been a toy for him to play mind games with, and I felt totally justified in cutting him out of my life.  But, after our brief conversation, I wonder if I just painted my version of events that color to justify my feelings.  It's probably more accurate to say that both are true.  He didn't exactly reach out to me to try to regain the friendship, but it did stoke that part of me that really misses our friendship.  He always seemed to "get" me, I felt totally comfortable spilling my guts to him, something that's always been really rare for me.  But I'm still wary of how genuine all that was.  I feel like I did a year ago - confused, hurt, angry...  I don't know what to do, if I should do anything at all.  He doesn't expect anything from me, so that's all I've done so far.  Nothing.

I'm on a Seether kick because of it.  It just fits my mood.  I'll figure it all out, calm my head, be happy.  I refuse to spend months in a funk over it again.  "I'll mend myself before it gets me."