Little Blue Happy Pills

A few weeks ago, I realized that I could not put off my doctor's appointment that I was due for in July any longer when I picked up my last refill on my blood pressure meds.  So, I reluctantly made the appointment, which was yesterday.  Somewhere in between making the appointment and having the appointment, I had a moment of clarity in what has become a pretty persistent dark fog that I've been living in.

I need help.

I had a conversation with an old friend who asked I ever wrote anymore.  I had to say no... I don't write much more than lists - grocery lists, to do lists... 

So I sat down to write later that evening.  Here is what came out:

"I just want to be face down for a while.  to just let everything around spin the way it wants to spin and not be bothered with it all.  i know i'm depressed and i can't shake it and that just makes me feel worse.  i'm hiding in books burying myself as deep as i can.  i want to feel up again.  i want to be excited about something.  i'm so tired and i'm tired of it."

"my body aches.  i'm exhausted.  i wish that if i just went to sleep early tonight that i'd wake up and things would be brighter.  i want the hope.  i want the motivation.  i want to know that if i forced myself to dig, that i could get out of the hole, but it just feels so exhausting.  if i knew that i could go sit down and work on the budget... if i could go clean up the room and toss out all the junk... if i knew that it would work, then i would.  i'm just afraid that it just doesn't matter.  that it's just how it has to be right now.  why don't the ups last as long as the downs?"

I realized that I not only needed to go to the doctor to get my meds refilled, I needed to talk to him about getting back on antidepressants.  I can't live with those feelings day in and day out any more.  I've tried dealing with it myself, taking Holy Basil and aromatherapy, but nothing was doing enough.  I'm used to having down periods... usually my moods are pretty tied to my cycle and I know a week before my period, I'm a miserable person.  But the hormonal switch gets flipped and I feel awesome again.  Two months ago, the switch just didn't flip.  And I've been waiting...  and waiting.  

So, after talking to the doc about several issues, he put me on Zoloft.  I took Zoloft in my mid-20s.  I called them my "little yellow happy pills" then, but I'm not on that high of a dosage (thank goodness, I was a MESS back then).  I also found out that my A1C is higher, which is no surprise because Ben and Jerry were my BFFs this summer....  He mentioned Metformin, and for a brief moment I considered it - because it has the side effect of weight loss - but I know when I feel better, I eat healthier, my blood sugar is better.  I asked for Chantix, because (and I may not have ever mentioned this because honestly not many people know I smoke at all) I can't manage to quit smoking on my own.  But he was reluctant to put me on Chantix because it can mess with your moods - and he's basing that on his patients - and didn't feel I was in the right head-space for it right now.

A lot kind if is hanging on Zoloft working for me.  Putting me back to my normal self where I can get back to my journey to being healthier physically.

I started it today, and I know it takes a while for it to get in my system and regulate everything.  But part of me already feels better at just the hope of feeling normal again.

So, again... hopefully I'll be back here more frequently.  I had to break out my sewing machine for some work I'm doing for a friend, so maybe there could even be come crafty things coming!